Nothing Here For Me – Episode 15
Well this episode was definitely more exciting than the Big Bear trip but it took way too long to get going. Why again with the horses? That’s never a good sign of anything interesting happening. And the Tom-Tom stuff is getting pretty dull. I really don’t think we need weekly updates on its progress when the place isn’t even open yet. After so much Billie last episode, I was surprised that she didn’t make an appearance this week. And she didn’t get an invite to Mexico? Even Peter got an invite!
Jax is having his Reiki session with Kelsey but they’re having it at his place instead of the studio. Why is that necessary? Before Kelsey arrives, Jax kicks Brittany out! He literally says to her, “make yourself scarce.” What a douche. She stares up at him in disbelief but convinces herself that Reiki is helping him and leaves. In preparation for Kelsey’s visit, Jax runs around the apartment lighting incense and tidying up as fast as he can. I guess that’s what anyone would do when they have a guest coming over, but this looked a little extreme – maybe it was the editing. Kelsey comes and balances Jax somehow but she also tries to warn him against going on vacation. Yea right lady. Not only is he contractually obligated but Jax would never pass up an opportunity to get hammered in a foreign country and steal some sunglasses.
Brittany returns home and asks if Jax had any breakthroughs in his therapy. And so condescendingly Jax replies, “It’s not really about breakthroughs. It’s about talking. Wow so amazing, she’s the best part of my week. I just have the best days after I see her.” And Brittany is just looking at him like wtf am I, chop liver? He explains to her that Kelsey is actually patient with him, unlike some people – hint, hint. And that Kelsey advised him to take care of himself first and do some things that he wants to do for once. For once? Jax is always and only thinking about himself and making decisions for himself. Do what you want for once? What like bang Faith you piece of shit?
Genius Business Idea
Over to another dysfunctional relationship – Scheana and Rob – where Scheana is plating some sort of fast food wrap and trying to make it look nice. Rob came up with some sort of online business where divorced people can sell their stuff. Wow this Rob is pretty ahead of his time. That sounds pretty complex – if only there were something else out there like that to compare it too. Craigslist? eBay? Let Go? Facebook groups? Why do divorced people need a specific site in order to get rid of their unwanted belongings? The best part is Rob’s ideal business plan, in which he would hold all the equity in the company and Scheana will just be the face of the company, with no financial control whatsoever. When he says this to her, she starts giving him googly eyes and acting like a middle school girl with a crush on Justin Bieber so maybe he’s right not to let her get involved in a business. Pull it together Scheana.
Is Teddi About to Show Up?
Lisa is riding her horse – OMG enough with the horses! Don’t we get enough of this boring shit on Beverly Hills? Brittany meets LVP there to ride but is too afraid of the giant horses, so she just kinda walks around with it. She tells Lisa about the trip she planned for Jax to Mexico and Lisa, like all of us, doesn’t understand why Brittany would do something so nice for him after the way that he’s treated her. Brittany sort of defends Jax by explaining how he’s working on himself and doing Reiki. Lisa’s first question to her is, “Is the therapist a man or a woman?” Yea Lisa knows what’s up and how much of a slime ball Jax is.
There’s lots of packing scenes and then the crew touches down in Mexico! Stassi is rooming with Kristen and doesn’t seem too happy about it – like she pretty much tells Kristen that to her face. Katie and Schwartz are in their room talking about their first year of marriage and they can’t believe they made it. Your husband made out with another girl – is that successfully “making it”? The only reason this marriage is getting by is because Katie has been highly sedated and super high off all of her edibles. And a big dose of denial.
Jax has received a job offer in Tampa working for the hockey team doing social media and is ready to jump at it. I mean really, he should – if it’s a legit opportunity, it might be the last one he gets. But Brittany is not ready to move across the country again for Jax. The first time she moved at least she had a good reason: she wanted to be on TV. She can’t get that in Tampa Jax, so there’s no way she’s staying with your sweaty ass if you move. Brittany is upset that Jax has pretty much made up his mind without discussing it with her or considering her feelings. Does she know who she’s dating? Has Jax ever considered her feelings? Why would that change now?
The entire group is having drinks at the hotel and Jax pulls the Toms aside to tell him about his possible new job venture. And the looks on these two idiots faces were ridiculous! They both looked like they were going to break down in tears. What is this hold Jax has on everyone that he’s been so terrible to? Freaking Stockholm syndrome or something? The Toms are upset and very emotional so Jax tries to explain how he doesn’t have many options at his age and no college degree – or experience in anything besides bartending and modeling. He says that he still has Peter Pan syndrome. At 38, seriously? That is pathetic.
Although I guess the same can be said about Shep. But at least he’s not such a garbage person – and luckily, he has money so he doesn’t really need to be successful. Jax calls himself 40 and this really pushes the Toms over the edge. They get up and comfort him with a hug while Schwartz whines, “Don’t say that about yourself man. Don’t ever say you’re 40 again.” It was like Jax called himself stupid or ugly. But what about when Jax actually turns 40? Can he call himself 40 then?
Meanwhile back at the table, Brittany is also telling the girls about Jax and his potential job in Tampa. The girls have a completely different reaction to this news: disbelief and anger. No one is really taking Jax seriously because he’s such a bullshit con-artist. But if the job is real, the girls are pissed that Jax didn’t discuss it with Brittany. Stassi tries to tell her to let him go off to Tampa and Brittany can stay there. And then there’s a bunch of drunken ramblings – the slurs were real. Katie calls out Scheana for trying to set Brittany up with the hot new bartender and Ariana jumps in. She says that Scheana did it to give Brittany a confidence boost. James is sitting back watching it all with a big grin on his face.
Jax and the guys come back to the table and Stassi interrogates Jax about his job. What is this position… marketing, event planning, social media? When he can’t give a clear answer, she calls him a liar. Jax again states that working in hockey is his dream job but the girls cut him down, asking him if he cares about Brittany’s dreams. Someone asks Brittany what it is that she wants to do with her career but she sits back and waits for Jax to answer. And he doesn’t know! She’s said that she’s mentioned it to him many times before and even talked about how she did it in school. The girls are shocked that Jax could be with someone for 2 years and not now this basic information. All of the girls know that Brittany wants to teach special needs students and Lala in particular is disgusted. “You look like a dummy honey.”
And now Queen Lala is fired up and ready for come for Jax. She tells him that he needs to accept that he’s in a partnership now and needs to behave as such. But Jax isn’t used to girls standing up to him and his misogynistic cave man brain can’t handle it. He says a line I’m sure he’s said to Brittany many, many times, “Don’t talk to me like that.” Errrrrrt! Pump those brakes Jax. YOU don’t talk to Queen Lala like that. She’s done had it now! She whips out her finger, glares him down, half stands up and triggers, “I’ll talk to you whoever I damn well please.” It was chilling!
Jax claims that Lala doesn’t know enough about him to give her opinion on him. But we see the flashbacks of how well she has gotten to know his scummy ways. Kristen tries to jump in but Jax tells her to shut up and worry about her own relationship. But he doesn’t dare talk that way to Stassi who starts in next. She claims that every time she walks past Jax and Brittany’s apartment, she hears Jax speaking badly to Brittany. And since Jax is afraid of Stassi, Sandoval has to jump in on his behalf. He tells Stassi that what she said is untrue and that it’s inappropriate coming from her, his ex. There’s a bunch of incoherent yelling until Lala and Stassi have finally had enough of these men and walk off into the Mexican night.
Next week the group is still in Mexico which means more tequila fused fights. Stassi and Kristen have had it with each other but Stassi really berates Kristen. It was very VPR season 2 and I am here for it. Rob suggests that Scheana turn her phone off while in Mexico – bizarre? He is so sick of talking to her and obviously needs a break from her constant “my divorce is finalized” chatter. And James somehow pushed through his drunken daze and remembers the comments at the table about Scheana trying to set up Brittany and gabs to Jax. But then when Jax confronts Scheana, she throws Brit under the bus and says that Brit knew it was a date. How was that a date? It was definitely a group hang and at no time did Brittany acknowledge feeling any sort of way about the dude. Not that she doesn’t deserve to find someone, anyone hotter and nicer than Jax.