Vanderpump Rules

Vanderpump Rules Episode 13 Recap

Vegas! Baby? – Episode 13

Wow – who knew a Vegas trip could be so boring.  VPR has officially hit dullsville with this episode.  But how exciting can a Vegas trip be when it’s all couples and the cameras are there?  The trouble only happens why the guys go to Vegas on their own and bang some hookers.  This is also the first season that the storylines are seeming so so so fake, overly produced, and boring!  Like if you’re going to make something up, make it more entertaining than Stassi planning a party or the Toms sleeping in. 

Episode 12     Episode 11     Episode 10     Beverly Hills

Diva Lala

Lala takes Scheana with her to the same recording studio that Scheana used to record at so Lala can lay down some tracks.  She has a huge team of people there, that she claims to be paying for – not her man.  And out of everyone who has tried to launch a singing career via Bravo, Lala is definitely the best.  Girl can actually sing.  I don’t know if we really need to hear a song about her proclaiming her love to a fat old rich dude though.


But basically, this scene is another opportunity for Scheana to talk about Rob.  She knows that he didn’t say the things that Jax has been repeating and even if he did, it’s not a big deal.  She knows that he loves her because they’ve talked about getting a house together, getting a dog together, and they’ve even picked out their baby names.  How embarrassing.  Scheana – stop it!  You are looking like a major bunny boiler! 

lala 1

Lamest Vegas Trip in History

Most of the gang heads out to Vegas for a business/birthday/couple’s trip.  It’s the Toms and their partners, and then Jax and Brittany tag along as well.  But LVP is still not Jax’s biggest fan and she’s not partnering with him so he has to take care of his own accommodations.  But she hooks the Toms up with VIP treatment!  They get to share a large, not quite penthouse, but still pretty cool room.  Meanwhile, Jax is infuriated that he has to wait in line and then gets a standard shabby room with a double bed and no minibar. 


They spend the entire day drinking and partying by the pool, and then Brittany decides it’s the perfect time to take a pregnancy test.  She hasn’t been feeling well since their trip to Big Bear and keeps throwing up.  And when Katie and Ariana ask if she’s on birth control or if they use protection she says no!  OMG wtf?!!  What are you thinking Brittany?!  My respect for her was already at an all-time low, but it’s completely gone now.  Brittany you are a stupid, pathetic girl and you deserve whatever you get, which is most likely herpes.  

preg 1

She takes the test, reveals the results to the girls but not the audience, and then there’s a commercial break.  Really Bravo?  How stupid do you think we are?  Everyone obviously knows by now that she is not pregnant with the spawn of Satan.  But she pulls Jax aside and dramatically holds the test out in front of him.  She’s letting him think for at least a few seconds that she is actually pregnant before handing him the test and relieving him.  And then everyone cracks up at this hilarious prank.  What?  Being pregnant, especially with Jax, is not something to joke about.  If a girl does this she is testing to see how the guy reacts- and that test more times than not is failed. 


After that fun little pregnancy scare, everyone goes out drinking and gambling.  Schwartz has set a bunch of rules for himself so that he doesn’t get too out of control.  He wants to drink water after every alcoholic drink, not gamble away over $1000, only do a certain number of shots, and go to bed before the sun comes up.  Jax is trying his very best to get the Toms to go full out and party all night.  He either just wants buddies to hang out with, or he has more sinister intentions and wants to sabotage their business meetings because he’s jealous. 


But surprisingly, Jax doesn’t successfully complete his bitter mission and the Toms get to bed around 2am.  And good thing they do because the next morning is their very important “business meeting” with Lisa.  This “meeting” turns out to be the Toms watching Lisa pick out glassware for the bar.  Is she serious?  She needed to fly them out to Vegas and go through all this hoopla to look at some damn plates?  And the Toms kind of just awkwardly follow her around and agree with everything she says. 


Ass Kisser Stassi

Back in LA, Lala and Stassi meet for drinks because Lala has “hired” Stassi to plan her music showcase event.  When Lala asks Stassi if she’s ever planned an event like this before Stassi replies, “I’m not really like into things that are like concert-y.”  And of course, Lala knows that Stassi hasn’t planned a showcase before.  She’s “planned” two of Lisa’s parties with the help of an experienced team in the background.  This whole scene was so fake!  F**king Stassi was kissing Lala’s ass so hard core.  “I just realized that I really like Lala now.  She’s like honest and loyal af.  Maybe we’ll even add her to our Witches of WeHo group.”  Oh shut up Stassi!  She is only pretending to like Lala now because it’s the popular thing to do and she knows the audience will choose Lala over the Hoes of WeHo every time.  She is so transparent. 

stassi 1

Stassi used to be the fan favorite because even though she was mean and evil and terrible, she was still hilarious!  But she’s lost that now.  When she tries to be snarky in a funny way, it just comes across as mean.  Lala is the new reigning queen of new age feminism and Stassi is trying to ride those coattails.  In her interview Lala was rambling about her showcase and accidently says “I’m going to spread my legs and show my music” instead of spread my wings.  It seemed like a genuine Freudian slip up and she didn’t even realize what she said until a producer said it back to her.  Hilarious. 


Lala & James Refer to Themselves in the Third Person

Lala and Raquel are watching James take a bunch of cheesy pictures for his DJ fliers.  Lala straight up shades Scheana and calls her tone deaf before stressing about her upcoming showcase.  She warns James that he’s not allowed to have any alcohol until after the showcase.  But James is more concerned with why her man isn’t coming to support her.  He knows perfectly well why he’s not coming and Lala knows that he knows: because the dude doesn’t want to be on camera.  But James doesn’t think that the audience knows that and has been taking every opportunity to throw Lala and her relationship under the bus.  And he’s not wrong this time. 


Late for a Very Important Date

Over in Vegas, the group goes out again and parties all night for Sandoval’s birthday.  Nothing exciting happened – they danced, they drank, they had “pasta”.  And then the producers force this fake storyline of the Toms missing their alarms and being late for their meeting with Lisa.  But like did Lisa really have to set the meeting for 10am the day after Sandoval’s birthday in Vegas?  What’s so wrong with an afternoon meeting.   

toms 1

Regardless, the Toms are not only late but still half drunk and super jittery (pasta).  They all go to the designer’s store and it seems like Lisa has already made most of the decisions.  But the Toms are asking a bunch of questions and giving their input when no one’s asking.  Lisa’s getting super annoyed with them because they are being completely obnoxious.  She’s sketching something and they both keep reaching over her to point things out.  But what was even the point of them coming along if Lisa wants them to remain silent at all times? 


But the Toms don’t seem to understand that they have literally zero creative control.  They are glorified mascots – the Mickey Mouse of Tom-Tom and everyone knows it except for them.  Lisa goes so far as to say that she’s thinking about “redefining their roles.”  She could’ve just gave them a little more money to work at Tom-Tom as mascots and paid them for the rights to their names, she didn’t have to partner with them. 



Next week Jax tries on a male romper – not a good sign of an interesting episode if that’s what they decide to show.  We get to meet James’ dad and he look quite terrifying.  Maybe James should stop showing his family on TV – it never goes well.  Ariana’s brother, Jeremy, asks out Billie but Stassi and Kristen warn her that he’s “creepy.”  And this of course gets back to Sandoval who then confronts Stassi who then runs out presumably crying.  God Stassi can never fess up to anything without playing the victim? 

Episode 12     Episode 11     Episode 10     Beverly Hills

1 thought on “Vanderpump Rules Episode 13 Recap”

Leave a Reply