Vanderpump Rules

Vanderpump Rules Episode 12

Wishful Sinking – Episode 12

This episode wasn’t packed with action and drama but the editors still made it very enjoyable.  The shade was real – shade towards Jax, shade towards Scheana, shade towards Raquel.  But these people are total idols and deserve all of the abuse.  And they really do bring it upon themselves.  I still can’t decide if we’re supposed to be rooting for or against them.  I just know that they’re all horrible people who make great tv. 

Episode 11     Episode 10     Episode 9      RHOBH

Old Man Rivers – On The Lake

The gang are all still out at Big Bear and are slowly waking up from their drunken slumber.  Jax says he’s going to go for a run and then he actually does it.  I was shocked.  And he learns on his run that because of the high altitude, it’s really difficult to breathe while doing physical activity.  He knows this, he talks about this, but it must not have had time to sink into his thick skull, because a few minutes later he’s jumping into the lake for a leisurely swim.  The dumbass only makes it about half way to his destination (a buoy) before he’s winded and has to slowly start backstroking.  He eventually makes it to the buoy but cannot make it back and starts asking for help in the weirdest way possible.  “Yea uh, you can come help me now if you want.  You want to come help me.”

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It didn’t sound very urgent and the life guard doesn’t know whether to take him seriously.  When you feel like you’re about to drown just yell, “Help!”  Maybe he didn’t want to look like even more of a twat than he already did. 

But what really makes this scene great, is when Jax thinks he’s about to meet his untimely demise and his life stereotypically flashes before his eyes.  And the editors give us their version of Jax’s sleazy life in the form of shady flashbacks that include all of Jax’s pathetic life choices the past few years all wrapped up in a not so pretty box.  It was disgusting and amazing at the same time.  He really is such a douche.  Which is probably why when everyone else hears what happens they laugh and go back to making breakfast.  Even when Jax comes inside and announces that he almost died, no one bats an eyelash or even acknowledges him. 

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But this near-death experience doesn’t seem to faze Jax for too long because he’s already back to his gossipy ways.  His first order of business is cutting Scheana down – but hey, somebody had to do it.  She has been so obnoxious and every other word out of her mouth has been, “Rob.”  My eyes are sore from the constant eye rolling!  And if I were playing a drinking game to drink every time Scheana says “Rob”, I’d already be drunk at this point.  While Jax is bitching about this, Scheana is outside bringing Rob food and praising him for being the hero by saving Jax.  Uh, the life guard saved him.  Rob just paddled up to get a better view. 

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Boats, Booze, and Boobs

Everyone heads out to have a little fun on the boat and they load up a ton of booze.  Rob takes them to a giant rock formation to jump off of but Jax holds back, having already “cheated death” today.  A little melodramatic there Jax – you were 10 feet out… in a lake… with plenty of people around.  You weren’t getting sucked into the ocean by a scary rip tide.  Everyone goes tubing and both Sandoval and Jax lose their bathing suit bottoms.  But the strange part is that they’re both wearing pink underwear underneath!  I mean, thank God they were, but do guys usually wear underwear under a bathing suit? 

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Tom, Jax, and Rob take a ride together and Rob starts bragging about the awesome real estate deal his lake house turned out to be and how handy he is.  No wonder Scheana thinks Rob is so wonderful – he’s prob always telling her how wonderful he is.  He also repeats another one of Scheana’s sentiments, “We’ve basically been dating for 10 years.  You know, minus the 6 that she was married.”  So that’s 4 years – if even.  God, they are both delusional!  And then to publicly shame Scheana, Rob tells the guys (and a camera crew) that Scheana is constantly saying “I love you” and he doesn’t say it back.  OMG Scheana – why would you keep saying it if the person never reciprocates?!  Cringle levels through the roof! 

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James and Lala attempt to paddleboard while poor Raquel watches on from the shore.  But they can’t stop arguing the entire time.  There has to be some sexual tension going on there, at least from James’ end.  And Raquel’s finally had enough of it so she talks to Lala about her and James’ “special bond”.  Raquel doesn’t think it’s coming from Lala’s end but more from James always being touchy feely with Lala.  Lala tells Raquel that they never cross any lines and if James were ever to be inappropriate with her she would shut it down out of respect for her man. 

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James and Lala go into the hot tub together – alone.  This is the problem!  Even if they are being totally appropriate, they keep going off and doing one-on-one things and completely leave Raquel in the dust.  Lala is supposed to be the third wheel but instead Raquel is.  I’d be pissed too!  Lala basically spills all of Raquel’s insecurities to James who brushes it aside.  He says that he’s not going to change how he acts with Lala for Raquel.  Then you shouldn’t have a girlfriend James.   

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And in his interviews, he is sounding more and more in love with Lala and thinks that things would’ve worked out with her if he had money.  Meanwhile, Lala in her interviews is trying to distance herself from him.  He’s becoming obsessive.  And then he pulls out this line, “You know Ray J hit that before Kanye?”  Andddd???  Technically James is the Ray J in this situation, which I don’t think he gets.  He thinks that he is Kanye and Lala is with her Ray J but will eventually be the white Kayne West. 

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Buzzkill Scheana is walking around with a list of chores that need to be done before they “check out” in the morning.  Ok this place is totally an Air BNB, right?!  Do they have s strict check out time of 11am?  Why is there a “cabin manual”?  If this was really Rob’s place, surly he could afford a cleaning service just this once.  And who makes guests in their home wash their own sheets the next morning?  It’s very reminiscent of the morning after Scheana’s wedding when she forced everyone to clean up the venue. 

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Podcast Promotion

Back in LA, Schwartz and Katie sit around their apartment brushing their dogs but then later go on a date to a Mexican restaurant.  Does anyone care?  On the slightly more interesting side, Stassi is interviewing Lisa for her podcast.  God why does Bravo keep giving this trash so much free publicity.  Lisa’s celeb crush is George Clooney because he’s philanthropic – which Stassi didn’t know about him.  How do you not know that?  I think it’s just that Stassi didn’t know what “philanthropic” meant.

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She asks Lisa, “Am I a skank?”  Never ask a question you don’t want the answer to.  Lisa mutters, “Ummm….” but never gives a hard answer.  Lisa talks about her whirlwind romance with Ken – engaged after 6 weeks, married after 3 months.  She explains that it’s not about you getting him, it’s about him getting you.  Stassi is mind blown by this because it’s so obvious that she’s not like that with Patrick.  But where is old Stassi who used to own Jax like a little puppy and demand things from others.  Come back bitch Stassi!   

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Delusions of Grandeur

Scheana is back from their trip and listening to her own song on blast in her apartment.  The cringe levels!  And what’s even cringier about it, it that she doesn’t think it’s cringey!  Kristen comes over and tells Scheana that Jax told everyone that Rob doesn’t love her.  Which is pretty much exactly what Rob said – that he wasn’t there yet.  And how does Scheana not see this?  When they woke up together and Scheana said “I love you” to him, Rob just mumbled, “ummm…”  But instead of humbling herself and having some sort of self-awareness, Scheana denies that Rob would say anything of the sort and then rambles on about how much he loves her.

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“Do you see the way he looks at me?  He adores me!  We’ve already talked about marriage, and buying a house together, and our kids names!  Madison Marie Parker Valletta.”  OMG stop Scheana stop!  She looks so pathetic and delusional and I can’t wait to see this blow up in her face! 

And Kristen can do nothing to stop it because Scheana won’t stfu!  I can’t figure out if Scheana really believes the bullshit that comes out of her mouth or if she knows it’s all bullshit but wants us to believe it.  Sweetie, he’s just not that into you.  But Scheana is convinced that Rob never said these things and Jax is just lying like usual.  And now she’s determined to get back at him by coming for his relationship.  This perks Kristen up and she gets a sparkle in her eye – a crazy Kristen look!  Take him down Kristen!  And then take down Scheana and Rob because they are annoying af! 

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Predictions

Next week, most of the crew heads to Vegas for a “business meeting” with some lighting people but mainly for Sandoval’s birthday.  It doesn’t look like too much drama happens for a Vegas trip but that’s because it’s a couple’s trip and not a boy’s trip.  But the 2 Toms both sleep through their alarms for their “business meeting” which seems totally legit and not at all set up.  And Brittany thinks she might be pregnant because she’s been feeling sick but duh, we would know if that were true by now so why even bother?  God please Brittany, do not get knocked up by Jax!!!  And Lala has some showcase at Sur that Stassi is helping plan and they’re afraid that James will ruin it by getting sloshed.  Fake, fake, fake.  This show really could use another cheating rumor right about now.  They used up all of their cheating cards too early in the season. 

Episode 11     Episode 10     Episode 9      RHOBH

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