Screams and Queens – Episode 10
This episode started off a little slow with a therapy session but led into the main event of dueling birthday parties. Stassi delivered her famous, signature line, “It’s my birthday.” Yea, it was a little predictable/rehearsed but it’s still a classic. And any filler nonsense in this episode was all worth it for the amazing mid-season trailer! It was pretty epic and I am officially hyped for the rest of this season.
The 2 Toms visit Tom-Tom and it doesn’t look like much progress has been made since their last visit. The reason is because they are waiting on permits. They’re not able to clear away any of the rubble and debris from earlier demos until they get the permits. LVP and Ken show up and she can immediately smell the alcohol on the Toms. Sandoval brags about their epic night out at the strip club and says they made it rain like Lisa would be impressed or something. Lisa looks utterly bewildered and either doesn’t know or is pretending not to know what that means.
The Toms are super excited to hear the news that the permits have gone through. But why wouldn’t they have gone through? And they both write Lisa a check for what looked like half of their agreed upon investment. Yea, she definitely should’ve chose Peter.
Make Up All Over?
Ariana visits a therapist to discuss her insecurity issues. I never would have pegged Ariana to be insecure, especially when she flaunted, “I’m smarter than you, I’m prettier than you, and I’m better than you.” But I guess everyone has their shit deep down. Ariana reveals that if she wears a bathing suit or shorts she has to have make-up covering her entire body. Um, what? She’s always wearing microscopic booty shorts – she was just wearing the shortest jumper at the costume shop that her ass was literally hanging out. So she’s putting make up all over her legs? Sounds expensive.
She explains that she’s always been self-critical but then she had a verbally abusive boyfriend who made things even worse. And then somehow the conversation turns to child birth. Ariana is disgusted by the mere thought of it and I have to say – sames. It seriously scares and repulses me!
Multiple Orgasm Doubts
Back at their apartment, which appears to be crumbling into the ground more and more every time we see it, Tom and Ariana discuss her therapy session. Tom is confused about the whole situation and doesn’t understand why everything was fine at the beginning of their relationship and now it’s not. I’m having a hard time understanding that too – shouldn’t you be feeling more secure the longer than you’ve been with someone? But Ariana says that it was easier to fake confidence in the beginning when he didn’t know her as well. Tom’s still not buying it, “You were having multiple orgasms!” And Ariana gives him a cringey and doubtful look while muttering, “hmmmm… I don’t think so.” And poor Tom cannot wrap his head around this. She was faking it Tom! Get a grip.
Murder vs Queens
It’s the birthday battle of the dueling divas and Ariana is up first with her Kings and Queens theme. Ariana has most of the cast at her party except for Katie, Kristen, and Stassi…. oh, and Peter. Everyone looks super hot dressed up like royalty. Tom was previously stressing about what to wear and had to pay a visit to his “last minute costume guy”. He’s gone too far this time. “Last minute costume guy”? Who do you think you are, Prince? And he legit looks like a male version of Maleficent but with even creepier eyes. So, so extra.
But Scheana just dressed in a lacey lingerie number and threw on a crown – any excuse to dress like a whore. Ariana makes her grand entrance and looks super gorgeous! She is dressed as a Golden Queen and she really looks like she just stepped out of a Game of Thrones episode.
Stassi’s murder themed party is not nearly as glamourous. The place is decorated with cheap Halloween decorations and looks like a cheesy haunted house in someone’s backyard. But, as Schwartz points out, the scariest part of the entire party is a ranch fondue fountain. The fountain is sitting next to a stack of Domino’s pizza – how cheap are you people? I was truly disgusted – and I like ranch!
But to see it cascading down repeatedly, and to hear the gurgling noise, and then to see drunkards with bits of pizza that they’re probably double dipping touching the ranch with their grubby fingers made me nauseous. It was a new level of low for this show.
The stripper from Katie’s bachelorette in New Orleans randomly stops by. Patrick shows up with his oily face and greasy man bun. It’s the first time that Stassi has seen him since his solo trip to Amsterdam, which is also when he conveniently blocked her for several days. What a toolbag. And he goes on to mansplain his philosophy to Katie and Kristen. While he and Stassi are on their many breaks, he doesn’t care if she has sex with another guy but he doesn’t want her dating anyone else. So you want her to be a whore but not to find a potential suitor to make her happy?
Even Kristen and Katie are doubting this dude and secretly hating his and Stassi’s relationship. They’re used to seeing Stassi in the strong, controlling position in relationships and for some reason she acts like a little girl around Patrick.
Back at Ariana’s, Sandoval is being the exact opposite type of boyfriend that Patrick is, i.e. a good one. He vows to hang out with Ariana more and be home at night to fall asleep with her. Ariana admits that she needs to feel that closeness in order for her to open up sexually. But like, duh, that’s girl 101. Ariana’s cake comes out and she makes a little speech thanking everyone for coming. But then she pulls a Mean Girl’s move and breaks a plastic crown into pieces and tosses it into the crowd. It was adorable.
But Stassi knows that drama equals more airtime and she’s determined to cause some even if it is ridiculous. She’s been chugging beer and downing tequila shots while also admitting to being on Adderall all night long. Plus, she’s super anxious about Patrick being there and is ready to take her frustrations with him out on the nearest innocent. It’s a disaster waiting to happen. Katie is f-ed up – she can barely form a single word, let alone a sentence. She’s having everyone do “ass shots” out of the strippers nasty ass – gross!
She calls in Stassi for a birthday ass shot but Stassi is not having it. I think she’s embarrassed to do such a thing in front of Patrick. And her mother is there too – but I don’t really think she’s embarrassed to do anything in front of her. But instead of just saying she doesn’t want to do it, Stassi throws a fit and storms off. But she doesn’t even storm to the bar or another room, she leaves her own party. Kristen and Katie chase her down but there’s no reasoning with Stassi when she’s in this state. Kristen calls her a bitch and Stassi glares her down and whines her famous line, “It’s my birthday!”
Legendary – she’s been waiting for an excuse to say that all night long. And then she walks off into the LA night and for once Katie and Kristen didn’t run after her.
The next morning is the World Dog Day event that LVP is throwing for the second year. DJ James Kennedy is again DJing the event but unfortunately, we don’t get any great moments like last year’s, “don’t forget to pick up your poo.” Lisa had previously made it clear to Jax that he was not welcome at the event because he has yet to apologize for his tardiness and her Beverly Hills Lifestyle party. I’m sure Jax is so upset about not having to work this event and walk around asking strangers for donations. You really showed him Lisa. Again, rewarding him instead of punishing him. Katie receives an apology text from Stassi and reveals that she was left to pay Stassi’s $1400 bar tab. OMG – wtf?!! $1400??? Was she paying for everyone at the party?
And then we got a gift from the Bravo Gods – a midseason trailer. And it was insane! There was so much happening! Jax has the mediation woman over to his apartment – when Brittany’s not home! The 2 Toms can’t get their shit together but there’s still a party at the unfinished and not dry walled Tom-Tom. Patrick is still being a condescending prick to Stassi, Sandoval doesn’t want to be around Katie, Lala and James have some inappropriate nakedness that leads to him admitting to loving her. James and Kristen are rumored to have hooked up!!! OMG that one I really hope is true!!! Jax and Brittany have another huge fight – maybe about meditation chick? And Jax totally loses it on everyone including Lisa and perhaps gets fired. It looked like he yanked off his mic pack before storming down an alley – that’s usually a sign of someone quitting. OMG soooooo good!