Call Me Jason – Episode 9
This was the first lame episode of VPR that we’ve had this season. A lot happened – yet nothing happened, and what did happen really wasn’t that interesting. But 1 crappy episode of this show is still 10 times better than the best Beverly Hills or Orange County can give. The whole episode was leading up to this boring party that Lisa was throwing followed by some drunken antics at Sur. But I guess there can’t be a cheating scandal every single week – we’ve already gone through half of the cast’s relationships.
James and Stassi meet with Lisa to discuss an upcoming party that Stassi is planning. This fake storyline of Stassi being a party planner is getting really old. Like Lisa would ever trust Stassi with something so important. Stassi asks James if his boyfriend will be attending the event, meaning Logan. James basically tells her to shut up and says that if he wanted to be hooking up with dudes, he’d be doing it. Well, you are doing it James – you just don’t want anyone to talk about it.
Tom’s triplet brothers are coming for a visit for the first time since the wedding. Apparently, Katie hasn’t liked them staying at their place in the past, so they very rarely come into town. Damn, how rude – it’s family. But the redemption tour continues for Katie and this season, she is all too happy to have the triplets stay at their place. She even blows up an air mattress for them right in the middle of the living room. No spare bedroom? No pull-out couch? I mean I know there’s three of them but really, an air mattress? How do these people who are on TV live in crappier homes than me?
Sandoval has bought the triplets a whole new wardrobe and is ready to make them over. He even bought them new underwear which is just weird – I think they can pick out their own underwear. All I can think when looking at these triplets is: Why couldn’t Tom have been the one that there’s three of? The world would be a hotter place.
Stassi is having the new Sur hostess, Billie, on her podcast to talk about her experiences being transgender. Ariana had warned Billie to be careful because Stassi is proud about being ignorant. Stassi had previous talked about last year’s Oscar’s and the race issues surrounding everyone’s acceptance speeches. The editors play a small clip but I remember listening to this podcast and it was much worse than the little snip we hear. And this was before all of her #MeToo drama. She needs to seriously stop. And then Stassi starts dramatically crying and rips off her fakes lashes. Ugh puh-lease – save it. I have an idea – just stop talking about big social issues that you know nothing about on your podcast. Stick with what you know and what won’t offend people: The Bachelor, fashion, wine, make up – stuff like that.
Old School Sur Staff Meeting
Lisa arrives at Sur to survey the damage caused by an electrical fire the night before. It looks pretty bad but the fire didn’t reach the actual restaurant although it all smells of smoke. Stassi arrives and vents to Lisa about trying to get people to work at the event. No one is respecting her “position” and why should they? She’s not their boss. And at the mere mention of Ariana’s name, Stassi has another break down and cries to Lisa about her podcast controversy. Lisa can’t resist a broken bird tearful moment but she wastes no time having that moment and then hurrying Stassi along.
The staff arrives to Sur (well the ones on the show) and they have a team meeting. OMG this is giving me major season 1 vibes! Bring back Laura-Leigh! It’s basically to talk about the event and work out who will be working – which Stassi was supposed to do but failed. Ariana begrudgingly agrees to work the event because Lisa doesn’t give her much choice. And Lisa tells the entire group that they need to respect Stassi and address her as Miss Schroeder. Ewww – no f-ing way.
Party from Dullsville
It’s the day of the party and Ariana shows up thinking that she’s going to be pouring wine and champagne. Instead, Stassi demands a pitcher of mixed drinks but Jax is supposed to bring all of the bar equipment and he’s MIA. Surprise, surprise Stassi is proving not to be the best party planner. Never rely on Jax to show up, let alone give him the responsibility of bringing something important. Lisa forces poor Max to help bartend – this kid always gets stepped all over. Kevin Lee (chi, chi, chi) is there as a guest but if this party is so important, why didn’t Lisa have him plan it?
Billie and Lala are “hostessing” but really, they’re just chatting and handing people fliers every once and a while. They talk about Billie doing the podcast and Lala’s opinion of Stassi is that she’s not ignorant, she just talks without thinking and says dumb things. Biggest understatement ever. Stassi interrupts them but can’t deal with that bullshit at the party so Lala says they’ll clear it up later. What’s there to clear up with Lala and Stassi? And I noticed that Lala and Billy have the exact same nose, and almost the exact same face except that Billy has huge eyes that make her look permanently surprised. Super jealous of their twin button noses.
Jax finally arrives an hour late and Lisa reams his ass. She calls him a selfish asshole several times and won’t let him get away with his fake insincere apology. Lisa’s rich children are both behind the bar and are proving to have a better work ethic that this coke-head sweaty slob. And then Lisa kicks him out as punishment. But really, it’s more of a reward, because instead of working now Jax can go get drunk with his bros at Sur.
Katie comes up to Lisa almost in tears and says that Kevin Lee had told her to her face that she has gained weight. He takes it even further and tells her to “work on it”. Uh – I think Katie knows that she’s gained weight and has prob obsessed over it. No one who eats that much ranch and drinks that much isn’t going to gain weight. Except for some of her cast mates who have a raging Adderall addiction. But why on Earth is it his nasty ass place to say a thing about it at all, let alone to her face? Never ok – not even to the hideous Katie who usually deserves what she gets, but not this.
Then Katie tells the story about her falling through a skylight and down several flights of stairs. She had major reconstructive surgery which sounds terrible – but what does this have to do with being fat? The chicks on this show have major issues with falling. Katie fell through a skylight and broke her face, Kristen fell out of an Uber and also pretty much broke her face, and Scheana fell and chipped her tooth. Forget about the pasta – I think “I fell” is code for “I was wasted.”
Hitting the Pasta
The party wraps up and everyone heads over to Sur for another one of James Kennedy’s See You Next Tuesday parties. Jax is already completely wasted and Katie seems pretty sloshed too. She’s telling the girls about what Kevin Lee said to her and not only can she barely keep her eyes open but her speech is so slurred it sounds like she was hit with a tranquilizer. Katie has been hitting the gym but knows that she needs to cut out drinking – believe me, I know. Wine weight is a real thing. Stassi again brings up her podcast and again starts crying about Ariana’s comments. Maybe a few months ago the world would have some sympathy for her – but not after her most recent appalling and hurtful comments. Tear those fake lashes off (again) and be gone.
Jax is super hyped up/”pasted” up and can’t stop glaring at Kristen. He’s still angry that she secretly flew in Brittany’s family in an attempt to break them up and thinks that she’s over there talking about him. He hates when people get involved in his relationships because he’s manipulative and doesn’t want his girlfriends to hear the truth from other people. If Kristen calls Jax a garbage person enough times, maybe Brittany will have a revelation and see it for herself too.
Jax totally loses it and starts yelling about Kristen but not really making any sense. Brittany yells at him back to stfu because Kristen did a nice thing for her. Unfortunately, Kristen did not get involved in Jax’s drunken ramblings – now that would’ve been a fight.
The next morning Katie is complaining about Kevin Lee’s comments to the Toms and the triplets. Rightly so, all of the guys are on her side and quickly come to her defense. And then there’s yet another Priv promotion by Bravo. This company must be shelling out the big bucks because they have been featured on every Bravo series this year. The hairdressers give each triplet an individual new ‘do to complete the makeover transformation. And the triplets do look rather dashing, but I have a feel that will all go down the drain when they return to middle of nowhere Florida.
Jax to Jason Transformation
Jax has a return visit to the hot mediation chick and there are some serious vibes going on here. She’s touching him in different places trying to “heal” him but all that she’s doing is giving him a major boner. How long will it be until these two bang, if they haven’t already? Jax finally admits to being fake and making up stories to get people to like him. And he gets even more vulnerable with his “therapist” by telling her, “Call me Jason.” Well played Jax, well played – they totally hooked up that night.
Next week is the clash of dueling birthday parties as Stassi and Ariana battle it out. Stassi is, of course, doing a murder theme and Ariana is doing some sort of Kings and Queens thing. Ariana definitely wins for best dressed but there seems to be more drama at Stassi’s event. She knows how to get the airtime and even gives us a season 1 flashback by whining, “It’s my birthday!” That’s when Stassi is at her best – when she’s complaining and being overly dramatic about mundane and useless things. Leave the big issues to the professionals.