Real Housewives of New Jersey

Vanderpump Rules Episode 5 Recap

Sex, Lies, and Audiotape – Episode 5

A lot of secondhand embarrassment was happening for me in this episode.  There were a lot of cringy moments.  Scheana being so smug about her perfect relationship which is now over.  Schwartz acting like a sad, alcoholic man child.  Lala’s rat tail braid – eww.  Stassi not being good enough to plan a party for one of Lisa’s dogs.  It’s all a bit sadder than in past seasons – maybe because they’re all so old.   

Episode 4     Episode 3     Episode 2

The Aftermath

The entire gang ends up back at Tom and Kate’s apartment after the birthday party.  Katie wants all of them there to witness her ream Schwartz’s ass.  Seems like a conversation that a married couple should have in private but Kate wants to make sure that everything is out in the open.  She lets everyone stay, except for Jax who she kicks out.

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And instead of walking up and leaving, Jax rides away on a cooler that apparently has a motor.  He just zooms down the hall like a 5-year-old on a scooter.  The whole scene is pretty amusing, until you realize that this man is 38 – then it’s just depressing. 

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Katie lays into Schwartz and tells him that he’s not to go out and get completely wasted anymore.  And instead of sitting there and taking it like a good little boy, Schwartz protests!  “You’re not my mom.  You can’t tell me what to do.”  Oh sweetie, you clearly don’t understand how marriage works, do you?  Katie is practically begging him at this point to stop getting black out drunk and making out with random chicks.  For once, I am on Katie’s side – I don’t think that’s that much to ask of your man-child husband.  She gets emotional talking about his vows that now mean nothing.  You made Lisa Vanderpump go to the woods! 

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Schwartz has learned his lesson about responding and sits in silence letting Katie scold him.  Sandoval is, of course, right next to him in solidarity and looks even more ashamed than Schwartz.  They are both hanging their heads and staring at the floor.  Everyone else looks super uncomfortable to be in the room.  Katie hits him with, “You’re not the man I married” before storming away. 


Back at Sur

Lala is back at Sur and behind the hostess stand – where she truly belongs.  Katie, Jax, and Brittany are also working their designated 1 day per week while shooting shifts.  Actually, I’ve heard that Brittany actually does work there on the reg – just not anyone else.  Katie pulls Lala aside to figure out why she blew the whistle on Schwartz and why now?  Lala straight up tells her that she heard from Scheana that Katie was talking shit about her relationship which sent Lala back to their old place and she retaliated.  So now Katie is pissed at Scheana for tattling on her to Lala.  Well wtf bitch, you still said it.  Of course Scheana is gonna rat you out – she’s the biggest flip flopper of all time.  Katie shows some small sign of growth and apologizes to Lala for talking about her. 


And then Lala reveals the remaining, and most hurtful details about the Schwartz cheating scandal: that he was calling the girl “Bubba”.  That nickname was an exclusive relationship thing between Kate and Schwartz and he violated it.  Kate seems more hurt by this then by him kissing someone else.  I mean they have a canvas painting in their apartment with the word “Bubba” written over and over – that’s sacred Tom! 

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Manly Painting

Jax and the Toms have a guy’s night out and being the manly men that they are, they go to a paint studio.  But it gets even worse – they decide to paint portraits of each other.  Talk about bro-ing out.


Schwartz has just finished his proclamation about taking it easy on the drinks and not having anything today when Sandoval whips out the absinthe.  Who just carries around absinthe?  And why can these dudes not get through any part of the day without some sort of alcohol.  Jax and Sandoval both pressure Schwartz into doing a shot – he is such a pushover. 

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Girl Time

Brittany, Katie, and Kristen are also out getting some drinks and doing shots.  Finally, Kristen is in a scene and has some lines!  Brittany and Katie both commiserate about their lying, cheating, disgusting men and try to explain why both of their pathetic asses are staying with such men.

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Kate is still pissed at Scheana and wants to take the heat off of her relationship so she throws out a rumor she heard about Scheana’s boyfriend, Rob.  Allegedly, one of the Sur servers saw Rob at some other restaurant making out with another girl.  What is with these dudes and just making out with random chicks?  There’s no way that’s all that is happening – this isn’t middle school. 


Housewife Wannabe

Scheana has no clue about the rumors (yet) and is in complete relationship bliss – maybe borderline braggy.  Her new boyfriend Rob is pretty successful – so successful that he can afford a nice Beverly Hills home and a hired chef.  Sandoval and Ariana come over for dinner and this whole scene looked more Housewives than VPR.  I don’t want to see this group being served a fancy meal on fancy china – they should be the ones serving pinot grigio and goat cheese balls.   


Scheana literally has a countdown until she’s officially divorced – aka her and Rob can get married.  Even Ariana and Tom are like – “whoa Scheana, take it down a notch.  Don’t ruin this for us.”  There was a terribly awkward moment when Rob compared dessert and sex – but Scheana assured him that he would being having both tonight.  Puke.  But what made it worse was Sandoval creepily asking Ariana, “Can we get on that level?” not once, but twice!  And she just sat there eating and pretending not to hear him.  Cringe! 

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No P in the V

Lala and Ariana are shopping at a bizarre place with bizarre clothes that seem to be right up Lala’s alley.  Ariana reveals to Lala that she hasn’t been having sex with Tom and that she’s also perfectly fine with it.  She wants that P far away from her V.  She also said something about it hurting???  Lala is completely shocked, “not even blowies?”


Ariana reveals that her previous boyfriend was mentally abusive and constantly put her and her vagina down.  That’s a weird thing to insult.  And now because of this she has low self-esteem and is insecure about her body.  That’s really sad but I’m not buying it as the excuse why she’s avoiding Tom’s advances.  It’s been three years and everything has been fine so far.  And she’s never seemed to have low self-esteem to me – she once described herself as “smarter than anyone I know.”  But maybe she’s only physically insecure – but damn her bod is sick!  And she’s insanely gorgeous!  But everyone has their shit.  I think she’s just not that into Sandoval anymore. 

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Housewarming Hell

Kristen, Scheana, and Brittany are prepping for the housewarming party that Brittany and Jax are still throwing despite all of his douche baggery.  Kristen is really stepping up her game this episode and it’s about time.  She and Brittany take this opportunity to tell Scheana about the rumors that Rob made out with a random chick.  Scheana doesn’t believe a word of it and laughs the whole thing off.  Her excuse is that Rob doesn’t like to kiss and that they hardly even kiss.  Not the best defense Scheana.


She also doesn’t trust this info coming from Katie because she knows that Katie could possibly be trying to get back at her for ratting her out to Lala.  These people are just the worst.  The worst friendships – the worst relationships – the worst alcoholics.  These cheating rumors are getting old – find a new storyline.   

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The party starts and everyone is there including Lala, James, and Raquel.  There hasn’t been a Logan sighting since episode 1 which is disappointing.  The entire crew is downing shots and chugging drinks – except for Schwartz who is under the watchful eye of Katie.

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These people are truly sick alcoholics.  My liver was quivering in fear just watching them.  They play an adult version of spin the bottle and for once they weren’t all making out with each other.  Instead, they were downing whatever drink the bottle pointed to.   

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Jax and Carter, who hasn’t made an appearance since his “You look like Sia” comments, are talking in a separate room.  Jax is venting about his status with Brittany and how he’s trying to make things better.  Brittany comes wandering in to see what’s going on.  Jax looks at her with the most serial killer expression I’ve ever seen and the proceeds to give her major attitude.  He’s being a total jerk to her when she starts to get emotional and raises his voice.  “And the Oscar goes to Brittany!” 

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Lala is outside with her rat tail braid in the back of her head (like wtf was that?) and hears the whole thing.  She tells Ariana that she has a recording of Jax saying terrible things about Brittany after he slept with Faith.  OMG finally!

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The girls get Brittany and sit her down to listen to Jax’s asshole rantings.  Ariana is super drunk (everyone is) and almost cries even before Brittany hears anything.  Brittany gets to hear the recording but we do not!  What kind of bullshit is this?!  WTF Bravo?!!!  I initially thought that they were making us wait until next week to hear it but I don’t think we’re going to legally be able to hear it at all because Jax was being recorded without his knowledge.  Brittany storms inside and confronts that piece of shit and then kicks him out.  Jax doesn’t even question what douchey thing he’s done this time – he just leaves. 

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Tom and Ariana get into a big argument because Tom doesn’t think Ariana should’ve let Brittany listen to the recording and Ariana is sick of Tom standing up for Jax.  The fight happens the same night of the party so there are both fairly drunk at this point.  And there’s a hilarious moment in which Jax throws a phone, which ends up being Schwartz’s phone, “Was that my phone?  I need that!”

Episode 4     Episode 3     Episode 2

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