Absinthe-minded – Episode 4
This was a classic VPR episode full of cheating scandals and total inebriation. Sometimes I think that all of the cheating in this group has to be made up just to make things interesting. It’s the only formula the show knows. But then I remember that these garbage people are horrible drunks who are stuck in their ways and will get away with whatever they can as long as their enabling partners let them. One would think that the viewers would be sick of the same drama over and over again but I am eating it up like how Stassi eats up anything with ranch on it.
It’s the morning after the girl’s “f**k Jax” party and the girls are slowly waking up in a hung-over stupor. They have Taco Bell delivered which is a new level of laziness. I’ve ordered my fair share of Uber Eats but I draw the line at fast food. Being too lazy to hit up a drive through is pretty damn lazy. But I sort of get it in this scenario – the ladies are all still in their pjs and no one wants to abandon Brittany. Except for Kristen who left to get her nails done. You already aren’t getting enough screen time Kristen – why would you leave?!
Scheana starts bragging about getting on a private jet to go to Vegas with Lala. And of course, Katie cannot help herself and immediately starts talking shit even though her and Lala have since made up. She insists that Lala’s man was married when they started dating and that’s the reason for his divorce. Katie shut the F up if you don’t want everyone to still hate on you.
And then, out of the blue and completely unannounced, Jax comes barging into the apartment. He immediately starts freaking out about the mess – not the time Jax. The girls are trying to sit and eat their Taco Bell in peace and are completely shocked by his intrusion. He starts yelling, “It must not be that big of a deal if you’re up partying all night. You’re not that devastated.”
Omg Jax, should she be lying in bed constantly crying for days? Get over yourself. Let her do whatever it takes for her to feel better. And finally, Brittany loses it and puts Jax in his place. She starts smacking him and pushing him towards the door while calling his a “piece of shit”. But Jax goes and lays in bed while arguing with the girls in the living room. So dysfunctional!
Tom-Tom Shark Tank Edition
The Toms have their big meeting with Lisa and are super nervous. Before they go in they give each other nervous pep talks. But Lisa totally catches them because they entered her gate but then took forever to get inside – so they were out in the driveway for an extended time. As if she didn’t think they were pathetic enough already.
Lisa is now unsure if a partnership with these two idiots is wise – I mean duh! She’s worried about Sandoval’s negative attitude and wants them to really bring the enthusiasm today. The Toms explain that they are totally in and want to partner with Lisa. Except they want to negotiate the cost of participation. I thought the original buy in was $100k but Lisa claims the deal was 120K for 10% and that’s being generous considering the startup cost will be a lot more than 1.2 million. Is that how much it really costs to open a restaurant?
Either way, the Toms cannot afford it and try to negotiate for a lower amount. “I feel like our value is in our work and we can build sweat equity.” No Sandoval, the value is in the use of your names and you being a mascot for the place. In the end, the Tom’s think they won with a deal of $50k for 5% stake each. Damn, they really should’ve done anything and everything they could have to scrapped together the 100k. 5% is like nothing. Sandoval thought he had no creative control before – well now he’s essentially Lisa’s bitch.
The Toms feel like they got an amazing deal and are just happy to be partnering with Lisa, in whatever small capacity that entails. To celebrate their victory, the 2 Toms jam out to a VPR classic, “Touch in Public.” That song is so damn stupid, yet so damn catchy.
They go back to Schwartz’s apartment where Katie and Stassi are commiserating over who cares what. The Toms pull a Joey from Friends and walk in with heads hanging low and acting depressed. They’re pretending like it went badly so that they can surprise Katie with the good news. And good thing it did work out, because their acting careers would not have. Schwartz feels prepared for this new venture and confident because, “I’ve got great hair.” I thought he was going to list off some of his other admirable qualities but no, it just stopped there with the hair.
Give Them Lala
Scheana is packing and talking with Ariana in her new master bedroom/closet ridiculousness. Queen Lala makes a grand entrance dressed in a t-shirt dress with pictures of Stassi all over it? TBD. Scheana blabs right away to Lala that Katie was talking shit on her and her relationship. Nothing gets Lala to turn ghetto fast like talking about her man, “She wanna get popped?” Calm down chick from Utah.
But Lala is pissed and wants to hurt Katie back so she brings up her friend who claims to have made out with Schwartz. The incident supposedly happened while Tom and Katie were already married and Kate was in NYC with the girls. Apparently, Schwartz not only kissed Lala’s friend but also called her Bubba – gross.
Fried Gauc Dreams
Schwartz and Jax go out to lunch and order fried guacamole. Where can I get that now?! Omg that sounds amazing! The two have a bro talk about Jax’s situation with Brittany. He wants her to just be over it already – but it just happened, she’s not going to get over it in a day. He’s lucky she’s bothering trying to get over it at all instead of leaving his ass. Schwartz suggests that maybe Jax push for an open relationship – kind of like a don’t ask, don’t tell thing. These are the only types of relationships Jax should be in so he stops hurting people. Brittany needs to dump him and move on and he needs to only date girls who aren’t into monogamy.
Stassi’s fake party planning storyline continues as she prepares for Guillermo’s party. Lisa has lent Stassi her limitless credit card – that is the last thing Stassi needs to have in her possession. But she tramples around town buying cake and flowers for the party. Pretty much everything has already been organized for the party and Stassi just has to set everything up. Her most creative achievement is planning a “photo booth” which consists of a Polaroid camera and stickers. She wants everyone to take a pic and then write a message to Guillermo for a scrapbook. This would be cute if Guillermo actually liked all of you.
James and Jax are the only two not invited to the party so they go out together. What a difference a year can make. They decide to order a shot of absinthe which sounds like a terrible, terrible idea. They can both barely get it down but Jax especially is being a sissy about it. I thought he was gonna hurl right then and there.
Cut to a few minutes later, and the pair are laughing and taking silly selfies together. They are both either really wasted or they’re paranoid about hallucinating because they both start acting super weird. Jax thinks he sees colored dots and James has no depth perception. To make it even funnier, the editors have made all of their motions slow and blurry. For some reason Jax balances a drink menu on his head and gets into a Zen stance. It was weird, entertaining but weird.
And then all of the sudden they both have a serious talk about Brittany. Jax says that they’ve been having “hate sex” and it’s been great but he does want to transition back to love sex. What a sweet sentiment. He admits that he has “Madonna syndrome” when it comes to relationships. He has Brittany who is his sweet, angelic, princess but he also wants to have dirty, raunchy sex with randoms on the side. Gross just… it’s all gross.
Sur Alley Scandal
Guillermo’s party is a success all because of Stassi – not really but that’s how this is playing out. Brittany is the only server actually working the party. Everyone else is there as guests, including Kristen. I didn’t think Kristen was allowed back at Sur. Tom and Tom think that they are the next Guillermo – no guys, he actually works. You are going to be taking pictures with guests all day like Mickey Mouse.
Ariana pulls Schwartz aside to the infamous Sur alley and tells him about the allegations against him. Lala’s friend says that the make out occurred in January and at Bungalow. Right away Tom admits to being at Bungalow and being totally wasted that night. But he definitely doesn’t remember doing that. OMG here we go again. He’s totally guilty! How else would this chick know the specific details that match up to his story?
Ariana tells him to wait until he gets home to break it to Katie and Schwartz agrees. But then he goes inside and announces the accusations to the entire party! Wtf Schwartz??? You don’t need to embarrass Katie in front of everyone on top of it! He pulls out his and Katie’s favorite line, “I don’t remember doing that and I know it’s a convenient narrative but I really don’t.” Katie is totally blindsided and I actually feel bad for her for once. She has already been a lot more chill and has been letting him run amuck and this is the thanks she gets. Tight leash from now on Schwartz – you’re screwed.
Everyone is skeptical at first to believe it because the rumor came from Lala, who they don’t think is a reliable source. I wish Lala were here at the party for more info! Katie knows deep down that he did it. He’s done it before, he did it this time, and he will continue to do it. It’s never gonna change and neither is their relationship. If she was going to leave him, she would have by now. She screams at him in the alley, “Get it together! What is wrong with you?” Translation: Why do you keep embarrassing me? You better stop doing this! But if you don’t, I’m not going to leave you. So just stop letting everyone find out about your indiscretions.
And to top the whole thing off, Lisa hears what’s going on and is not pleased. She confronts Schwartz who acts like a total child and pulls his whole puppy dog act. He keeps nervously running his hands through his hair and looking away while continuing to state that he was too drunk and doesn’t remember. This is exactly what Lisa, his new business partner for a bar, does not want to be hearing. The guy you just partnered with routinely gets so blacked out drunk that he cannot remember a thing the next day – real mature.
Ugh and then he goes in for an awkward kiss but Lisa turns him away – cringey. Lisa is also upset that Schwartz would do such a thing after his beautiful wedding vows at the wedding that she officiated. You made Lisa Vanderpump go into the woods! And all for what? Lisa Vanderpump doesn’t enter the woods nilly willy!
Next week there are surprise, surprise more cheating allegations. Way to switch things up. But this time the allegations are against Scheana’s latest boy toy Rob – who she is already talking about marrying. She’s a lost cause. Brittany decides to still throw a housewarming party at her and Jax’s apartment. So, I’m sure Jax is thinking that he’s in the clear. But Lala and Ariana have a recording of Jax talking crap on Brittany and it must be pretty awful because Ariana breaks down in tears before it’s even played for Brittany. I mean how much can this poor girl take?! But then again, she’s still with him so I can’t feel that sorry for her.