Back in the Saddle – Episode 3
There was a lot of filler in this episode – and I don’t mean in Stassi’s face. The first 3 episodes of this season have been the most overly produced and possibly scripted episodes I’ve even seen of this show and it’s disappointing. I’m getting “The Hills” vibes from this season. I still love it though but please stop pushing Stassi as a party planner down my throat. And the random Ariana horse scenes – like what is that? It’s the “Jersey Shore” problem: sooner or later the cast has to grow up and tone down the incessant partying which then becomes boring af. They need to start bringing in more young blood. I mean seriously, Jax is 38 – that’s ridiculous.
It’s Jax and Brittany’s 2-year anniversary and she has planned a spa day for the two of them. But with everything going on (him being a cheating scumbag) she’s not exactly in the mood to hang with him. So, she brings Stassi instead – because nothing says a relaxing, peaceful day like the company of Stassi. But Stassi can totally understand what Brittany is going through because she’s been in that exact same position.
She wishes she could just tell Brittany to leave his ass but she knows that it’s not that easy – especially when Jax is a skilled manipulator. Brittany confesses that she had a break down and slept with Jax. Stassi is disgusted and disappointed at first – she literally tells Brittany, “You’re disgusting.” Ouch. But she can see how someone in that vulnerable position would want to feel wanted.
Jax is spending his anniversary with Sandoval and James, of all people. And even though Brittany told him not to say anything, Jax confesses that he’s had more sex in the last 2 days than in the past 6 months. Ugh Jax shut up! That is so embarrassing for Brittany. And according to her it’s only been one time…
On the other end of the spectrum, Sandoval is again complaining about his sex life, or lack thereof, with Ariana. He said it’s been 2 months. This is not a good sign and can be a very slippery slope. Tom has been known to cheater in the past but only when he’s not getting it at home. And James has nothing to contribute (because he’s prob having load of sex with both Raquel and Logan). But after hanging out with these two schmucks, he’s not very optimistic about the future.
Schwartz comes shuffling in to Pump dragging his heels and his head – like stand-up straight dude. He brings some flowers and a pathetic balloon to Lisa and Ken as an apology for the awkward meeting. Lisa is not impressed and why would she be?
Schwartz is acting like a mumbling buffoon with one lone balloon left in his name and is apologizing for something that he didn’t even do. Man up and tell Sandoval that he needs to be the one in there doing the apologizing. But no, timid Schwartzy is too afraid to even tell Sandoval that he was going to see Lisa. Schwartz says in his interview that he wants to “moisturize the situation.” I’m not sure what that means but it sounds nasty.
Bambi on Steroids
Raquel and James visit Vanderpump Dogs so that Raquel can start volunteering with the pups. James explains that Raquel has anxiety and playing with dogs can help (sames) but he uses marijuana for his stress relief. Lisa calls Raquel “Bambi on steroids” and she could not be more spot on! She even does a fabulous impression of her with a soft, sing-songy voice and bulging eyes.
Ariana’s storyline this year: I’m going to ride horses instead of riding Tom. Sandoval’s storyline: I’m going to watch Ariana ride horses and complain about not having sex. And Tom-Tom. (But really that’s more of Lisa’s storyline.) Tom talks about their sex situation again, this time with Ariana’s brother. Dude, come-on – her brother doesn’t want to hear about this! And then Sandoval goes on to say that if they’re not having sex, she couldn’t blame him for cheating on her. OMG – think that sort of stuff in your head, don’t say it out loud… to her brother…. and on camera!
All of the girls have a pajama party at Stassi’s place to celebrate Brittany and it’s stocked with all of her favorite foods and drinks. That really was so sweet – they love her! It’s pretty much a F**k Jax party and there’s even a piñata with his face on it. Brittany beats the crap out of that piñata which breaks open to reveal baby liquor bottles of fireball.
Meanwhile, the Toms, Jax, James, and Peter are having a guy’s night. Peter is drinking white wine but also pounding the shots – doesn’t seem like a good combo. The Toms have a big follow up meeting with Lisa in the morning but that’s not stopping them from downing drink after drink and shot after shot.
Jax is terrified about what is happening at the girl’s party and he should be. Schwartz breaks down the F**k Jax Espionage team in the most hilarious way! Stassi is the human lie detector, Kristen is the hacker, and Katie is the grizzly lieutenant. It was so funny and so true! Unfortunately, I don’t think that Brittany possesses any of those skills – or cares frankly.
James doesn’t know how to correctly pronounce, “sixth” and keeps saying it as “sith”. He’s trying to get the guys to come to his DJ gig on the “sith” but they are all staring at him. They keep repeating, “The sixth?” and he replies, “Yea the sith”. Weird quirk. And Sandoval bought a dick chastity belt for Jax to prevent him from cheating in the future.
Back at the pj party, the girls are doing a witch spell on Jax because, of course they are. The spell is for scorned lovers and for Jax to finally get his karmic punishment – but him and Brit are still together so it didn’t seem to work. Scheana finally speaks for the first time all episode by announcing that they should all kiss and make up. So, they do – they literally do. If they’re still trying to shock us with this- just don’t.
Give Them Lala
Queen Lala comes crawling back to Lisa for her job back aka her spot on the show back. Why can’t she be on the show without having to work there – what’s Kristen’s excuse? I guess because she’s not integrated enough into the friends group – yet. And as soon as Lala sheds a tear, Lisa melts and allows her back. Lisa cannot say no to someone crying. She thinks that Lala was a great hostess – like it’s hard? A monkey could do it – OMG idea for Tom-Tom – monkey hostesses!
How Many Times?
Ariana tells Brittany that Jax hooked up with Faith multiple times, not just once as he claims. So, Brittany calls his lying ass to confront him and says she has proof and Faith is there, trying to trick him. Jax sticks to his lie and claims that it only happened once but who cares if it was once or 10 times – it’s all the same to him. Of course it matters! One time is a mistake but after multiple times, you know what you’re doing and just don’t give a F.
Jax must not realize that he’s on speakerphone or camera for that matter because he totally loses it on Britany like the psychopath that he is. “I didn’t do it! Shut up!!!! Sweetie, sweetie. Honey?” He screams at her and then turns right back around trying to be sweet. The other girls are totally shocked at his outburst and scary tone. Brittany pretends to be shocked too but I’m sure he’s screamed at her way worse than this before.
Next week, the Toms have their big meeting with Lisa but they’re trying to wiggle out of the 100k investment part. Stassi plans a party that was already planned by someone else – so she’s basically setting up for the party. And Lala is already making waves by revealing that one of her friends had been making out with Schwartz since he’s been married. Katie confronts him in the famous Sur alleyway before storming off. This was the real reason Schwartz was crying in the last episode. He knows that once Jax gets caught messing up he likes to take down everyone else with him and Schwartz was afraid that Jax would rat him out like he has in the past. That’s why Sandoval and Schwartz always defend Jax to the death – he knows their secrets.