Vanderpump Rules

Vanderpump Rules Episode 1 Recap

Masquerade – Episode 1

You know this is our time, these are the best days of our lives.  Ahhhh!!!  VPR is back and starts off with a bang (possibly literally) and cheating rumors.  Since last season no one has seemed to change or grow whatsoever – and I hope they never do! 

Reunion Part 3     Reunion Part 2     Reunion Part 1

Catch Up

The show officially starts at, where else but Sur of course!  Jax and Sandoval are mixing drinks behind the bar, at least Jax is trying to.  Jax and Brittany have just celebrated their 2-year anniversary, which is mainly a testament to Brittany and her patient and sweet nature.  And just to prove how much of a douche he really is, in case we could forget, Jax describes his relationship: “Things are a lot better between us since Kentucky.  She finally got off the couch and into the gym.  And stopped keeping Postmates in business.”  OMG Jax wtf is wrong with you?  She already has the whole world judging her, she doesn’t need you to pile on too you POS. 

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On the other side of crazy town – Scheana is already talking about getting married again.  Girl slow the hell down!  She is already with a new boyfriend but really, she just got back together with her old boyfriend.  Didn’t she do the same thing with Shay?  They dated in high school, broke it off and went their separate ways, and then got back together to eventually get married and divorced.  Maybe you should stop going back to exes Scheana.  Girl really doesn’t want to up that number. 

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Scheana and Queen Ariana are looking fierce with their new short haircuts but then blob Katie comes over and completely ruins it with her overly fluffed quaff.  I never thought I’d say this but there is a thing as too much volume.

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Katie has already started in with her old ways: drunk rage texting Scheana.  OMG she is such a psycho!!!  The meanness of her texts never fit the situation – she goes totally overboard.  But Scheana gets her revenge by telling Katie right to her face that she won’t be inviting her to her birthday party.  Ballsy.  Kate says that she doesn’t mind but then talks about it all episode. 

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Tom-Tom

The update on Tom-Tom is that both of the Toms can be included as minor partners for a small fee of $100k.  Sandoval is confident that he can scrape together the money via savings and loans.  But what about Schwartz?  We saw just exactly how much he doesn’t have when he and Katie worked out their prenup last year.  Of course, that was prob all bullshit and the guys don’t want to reveal the hefty fee they are receiving by appearing on this show. 

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Sandoval is stressed about the new restaurant and vents his frustrations to Ariana.  He is starting to feel the pressure that Lisa is putting on him and slightly complains about it.  But then the camera pans out and behind the open wall at a nearby table are Ken and Lisa, listening to every word and not looking pleased.  Like many scenes to come this episode, this scene in particular seemed staged af and had producers grubby finger prints all over it. 

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The two Toms head to the site of the new restaurant to go over details with Lisa and Ken.  Sandoval is worried that he won’t have a creative input which is true – the only thing Lisa wants him to create is drinks.  Lisa arrives and her skin looks amazing!  Facelift?  She explains that the theme of the new restaurant will be “romantic industrial” which Sandoval is cool with as long as it’s also comfortable.  Ken and Lisa are totally in control of the meeting pretty much telling the Toms what’s going to be happening, not asking them for suggestions.  But Sandoval can’t control himself and asks a billion questions.  Lisa is annoyed with him, “How have we opened over 30 restaurants without the advice of Tom Sandoval all these years?”  But he’s just excited.   

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Lisa brings up overhearing Tom’s venting and Tom accuses her of eavesdropping.  Abort!  Abort!  Backtrack on that one right now Sandoval – you will not win.  Lisa can’t be eavesdropping in her own bloody restaurant.  The Toms need to sit back and let Lisa have all of the control.  Their job will be to show up, sling drinks, and take pics with the fans.  They are the mascots of the restaurant, not creative directors.  The sooner they realize that they are essentially a glorified Mickey Mouse, the easier their lives will be. 

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Left Out

Obviously, Katie was not invited to Scheana’s party but her husband was.  Everyone loves Schwartz – it’s not his fault her married a monster (well I guess it kind of is).  And shockingly Schwartz will be going to the party san Katie.  But even more shockingly, Katie is letting him go.  What’s not shocking is that Katie and Stassi will be staying home and drinking together like the pathetic witches that they are. 

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Masquerade!  Paper Faces on Parade!

Scheana’s masquerade birthday party arrives and everyone looks fierce but a rumor about Jax and Faith sleeping together is already swirling around.  Sandoval pulls Jax aside to confront him while Faith is spilling the beans to James.  Her story is that Jax DMed her on twitter to hang out and then came over to her place where she was watching a 95-year-old woman and they hooked up.  She said it happened so fast that she didn’t have time to think.  Well, what the hell?  I need more here.  Was he drunk?  Were you drunk (I hope not if you’re taking care of an elderly woman)?  Where are the DMs?  We need receipts sweetie.  The one specific that Faith gives is that Jax sucked on her toes – but everyone knows that feet are Jax’s thing – bleh! 

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But it gets worse.  According to Faith, they didn’t use a condom and she’s not on birth control AND now her period is late.  James’ head is about to explode with sensory overload!  Who would ever hook up with Jax Taylor without protection – he’s dirty af! 

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Jax completely denies the whole thing to Sandoval saying that he hasn’t been with Faith or anyone but Brittany.  But we’ve heard this before… many times.  And then some random dude tells Brittany about the rumor, totally nonchalant and casual like.  Brittany of course starts freaking out and questioning everyone.

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And with the absolute worst timing (as usual), Schwartz strolls up and tries to chat with Brittany.  He admits to her that even if the rumors were true, he would cover for Jax but the rumors totally aren’t true.  Brittany is staring at him like, wtf why would I believe anything you say when you just said you would cover for him no matter what. 

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Jax heads straight to the source and confronts Faith.  He asks her to clear the rumor up and admit to everyone that it’s not true.  But Faith just tilts her head at him and says, “Are you serious right now?”  Jax looks completely exasperated and frustrated with the situation and keeps claiming that it’s a set up.  Faith leaves the party and Brittany starts yelling at Jax.

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Not to be out done, Kristen gets right in Jax’s face and tells him he’s not coming home tonight.  All of the girls love Brittany and are definitely going to be on her side.  Brittany demands Jax to retrieve Faith so that she can confront her directly but Faith will not come back inside. 

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And that’s that – another Vanderpump rumor that we will never know for sure the truth about.  Jax doesn’t have the greatest track record but I almost believe him in this case.  Hope I’m not getting duped by his psychopathic pathological lying ways.  But Faith’s story didn’t have enough specific details for me.  When did this all go down?  Where was Brittany at the time?  I mean they live together so it’d be pretty obvious if he was sneaking off at night.  And Faith is thirsty as hell to get her second chance as a main on this show.  Sorry girl, but this is not the way to do it.  All of the girls are going to hate you now.  And the whole thing did feel like a huge set up by the producers again and Jax is an easy target. 

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Predictions

It looks like a great season of drunken debauchery and foolish mistakes.  I want answers for the Tom/Ariana fight that has left me shook!  If they’re going to fight, why do they have to do it in front of Kristen?  She gets so much joy from it.  Stassi and her boyfriend will eventually break up and so will Scheana and Rob so this is going to be a difficult season for them to watch.  I wish that Stassi and especially Scheana would stay single long enough so we can see them go out on the town together – 2 single ladies.  And I can’t wait to see Brittany beat the crap out of Jax – get it girl! 

Reunion Part 3     Reunion Part 2     Reunion Part 1

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