The 1 Percenters – Episode 1
The stud of the sea Captain Lee is back along with HBIC Kate Chastain and they’re on a familiar boat – The Valor! And I am so ready for it! The OGs of the Caribbean!
There’s a new chef and he’s tall, dark, and handsome-ish. I can’t recall his name but since he’s so nice I won’t resort to calling him Chef what’s-his-face, that’s reserved for douchey chefs on Below Deck Med. Chef Canada seems way too normal and nice to be a yacht chef – he even saves a baby cockroach! Gross! Maybe he’ll have a dark side that will emerge as the season progresses. Kate explains that she’s not a picky eater with weird food issues/allergies but if he sees any yoga matts then he’s prob screwed.
Cut to… new stewardess carrying what else, a yoga matt. Hilarious! Well done editors! Nico is also back as the lead deckhand, not yet a boson. Kate’s new stews are Jen and Briana who are very inexperienced and the deckhands are Baker, Chris, and Bruno who are also very inexperienced. Chris goes around introducing himself by his full name, “Chris Brown.” Why would you lead with that as your first impression? All the girls look exactly the same to me – light brownish/blondish curly/wavy hair. Except for Jen who has some crazy eyes a la Ramona Singer and seems a bit kooky – we may have a Rocky situation on our hands.
I’m really starting to think that Bravo is casting this show based on hotness and craziness levels, not actual yachting experience. Kate is in disbelief about how little her two stews know about being stews. They have zero service skills, zero bartending skills, and zero coffee making skills.
So, it looks like they’ll be spending a lot of time in the laundry room while Kate works her ass off. Nico’s team also has minimal experience but then again so does he. So, this should be interesting.
The crew has a meeting to discuss the upcoming charter guests who like simple food but extreme high-adrenaline activities. Captain Lee doesn’t want the crew to know how anxious he is but he sure lets us know in his interviews, “The pucker effect is so strong you couldn’t drive a straight pin up my ass with a 10-pound sledge hammer.” That’s quite the visual. He has got to be practicing these lines at home in front of the mirror. Where does he come up with these sayings?!
Green But Also Dumb
The deckhands surprisingly get off the dock without sinking the boat but only because Nico was running around doing it all for them. The success ends there though, because these idiots don’t think to hatch down the cushions and they go flying into the sea once the boat is underway. Even I know that cushions on boats will have some sort of snap or zipper to keep them in place when your barreling through the wind.
And it gets worse for poor Nico when the green deckhands cannot figure out how to lower the tinder into the water. Things get so bad that Nico needs to call Captain Lee for assistance.
And over on the interior side, things are not much better. Kate’s stew, Jen, doesn’t seem very intelligent and doesn’t understand what “ladies first” means. She also can’t properly take a drink order that consists mainly of Mountain Dew and only 2 alcoholic drinks. A guest orders a gin martini, Jen hears gin and tonic with olives (that sounds disgusting!) and then blames Kate for making the order incorrectly instead of admitting it was her fault. Kate is going to eventually lose it and rip this ditzy Bambi apart.
The next day the guest request Kate’s absolute favorite thing: a beach picnic. She has to do almost everything herself but then brings in her two stews for service. Brianna barely makes it to shore after wiping out while trying to jump onto the dingy. I had to re-watch this hilarious scene several times – she really biffed it.
But even worse, on shore Bambi Jen cannot figure out how to work a corkscrew and open the wine. Get it together girl! Wine is important! If there’s one thing you should know how to do, it’s open a bottle of wine!
And back on the boat Bruno jumps in the water to assist with the slide set up but is swimming around without a clue in the word. Nico is shouting instructions to Bruno but he just does whatever and he’s doing whatever that is wrong. Kate and Nico are going to need blood pressure medication after this charter season!
Things look pretty tense this season between the crew and their leaders. I think what makes Kate more exasperated than inexperience is stews who don’t respect her authority. That really drives her nuts and it looks like Jen is def going to hit that nerve. Nico gets a little too big for his britches when he gives an ultimatum to be made boson or he quits. No one demands such things from the stud of the sea!