Real Housewives of Dallas

Real Housewives of Dallas Episode 1 Recap

Look Who’s Not Talking – Episode

The ladies of Dallas are back and from the looks of the trailer at the beginning of the episode, it’s gonna be a great season! There are two new housewives that can hopefully bring the drama but, of course, there’s still resident crazy lady LeeAnne who will not disappoint. I really enjoyed this episode… it was def more entertaining than the OC episode that came before it, but that’s not saying much these days.

The Drama Begins

Cary has Stephanie and new girl Kameron over for a puppy play date – but really just to gossip. LeeAnne had an old police report from 2008 leaked and it’s all about her attempting to stab her ex-boyfriend. In the report, her ex claims that she chased him around the house while waving a knife in a cutting motion and eventually assaulted him with sandpaper. Sandpaper? How bizarre – but that would prob add some extra sting. Damn LeeAnne is the Danielle Staub of this show – cray and violent.

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LeeAnne and Brandi are now surprise best friends which for some reason makes me nervous. I don’t think Brandi knows what she’s in for – she better be on her best behavior or the sandpaper’s coming out! Brandi and former bff Stephanie have not talked in months because supposedly Stephanie talked shit about Brandi’s crappy marriage. Who wasn’t talking about it?

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Brandi is referring to a specific instance when Stephanie wrote in her blog comparing Brandi’s marriage to a car wreck. But after reading the paragraph of the blog several times (Stephanie was even nice enough to tweet the excerpt at me), it is obvious that Stephanie was comparing the whole situation to a car wreck, not specifically the marriage. The situation was last season’s debacle at Brandi’s house when she was finally seeing her grandfather after so many years and was super nervous and anxious – then her husband came home late, drunk, and not giving 2 fucks. The situation was a car wreck!

 

Elle Woods of Dallas

We get to know the new housewife, Kameron, a little better. I find her pretty annoying already but I’m trying to keep an open mind. Her life’s mission is to create pink dog food because she knows they don’t want to eat the same brown stuff every morning. Does she also know that dogs are color-blind? She’s a self-proclaimed “dumb blonde” in disguise because according to her, she is actually very intelligent and the dumb thing is all an act. Kameron and her hobbit husband (her words, not mine) are rich rich rich! He was smart and invested in tech companies, not real estate. He must be a saint because Kameron has decorated their entire mansion with pink accessories – it looks like Hello Kitty threw up in there!

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There’s a New Southern Mother in Town

The other new housewife, D’Andra, gets an intro as well but as LeeAnne’s best friend, which makes me a little skeptical at first.

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But then she brings us a great gift – a wonderful, classy, beauty pageant gift in the form of her mother, Dee. Move over Patricia Altschul from Southern Charm! Later Tinsley’s mom Dale from New York. Dee is more fabulous then them all, definitely more business savvy, and possibly more scary. Her daughter sure is afraid of her – major mommy issues.

D’Andra breaks out the fancy China for her mother’s visit during breakfast – china for breakfast seems a bit extreme. She also publicly shames her husband for not using the correct knife to butter his toast – it’s breakfast D’Andra! Take a chill pill – it is way too early to give a F about manners. Anyway, back to Dee – her skin is flawless and I need the names of everyone on her teams doing her work because it is in tip top condition – pristine! She looks younger than D’Andra! Can we cut her and replace her with Dee? Or better yet, Andy can you give Dee her own show please?

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Anger Management

LeeAnne is in therapy for her anger management and I was just cracking up throughout this entire scene. This lady makes the most over the top, crazy person facial expressions!

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She says that everything in the police report was false and had been leaked by her former bff, Marie. We get an amazing flashback to her screaming her wild head off at Marie… gee why aren’t y’all friends again? Oh yea, you threatened to murder her in her sleep. However much this therapist is getting paid, I guarantee it’s not enough for all the bullshit she’s had to endure.

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The Great Divide

There’s a cross over scene between Stephanie and her giant headed husband and Brandi and her ginger jerk husband. Brandi is lying in bed like she’s about to sleep with no makeup on except dark DARK black eyeshadow. It looks cray! Very crypt-keeper.

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The husbands are also bffs and want the girls to work stuff out. Talking about the situation makes both girls cry and this really starts to hit home for me. It’s obvious that these two really were besties, not just Housewives besties so the whole thing is unfortunate. I’ve had one big fight with my bff when we didn’t talk for an entire summer and it was miserable af! But we’ve seen the downfall of epic friends before: Jill and Bethenny, Vicki and Tamra, even frick and frack aka Porsha and shady Phaedra.

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Party Time!

The big event to bring all of the girls together (take notes OC) is Cary’s husband’s birthday party. Brandi and LeeAnne are riding together and Brandi tells LeeAnne to be careful around Cary. LeeAnne is confused because they just apologized and buried the hatchet.

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Brandi says she got a text from Stephanie who said Cary was talking shit about LeeAnne “being up to her old tricks.” Ooooh wow – what a bitch – what’s the big deal? Apparently, it is a big deal to LeeAnne who starts doing her anger management breathing exercises and making crazy faces. She even has to pray before entering the party. God relax – it’s not like she killed your child. “Don’t you talk about my son!!!” Sorry Erika Jayne, too soon?

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As soon a Brandi and LeeAnne arrive at the party, Stephanie walks straight up to them to say hi – brave. Brandi just stands there and looks around but says nothing. Come on, you can’t even say hello back?! Didn’t you learn anything watching all that practicing Shannon just did on OC?

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Stephanie kind of backs away in shame but is still watching Brandi greet other people and her face has the expression of confusion and heartbreak.

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The ladies are all sitting around and Stephanie sucks up her pride and again tries to approach Brandi. Brandi has her head facing the exact opposite direction of Stephani so Stephanie must physically lean over the other ladies and grab Brandi’s arm to get her attention.

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She asks if they can go talk, “2 seconds, 2 seconds.” There is a long silence and right when Brandi is about to say something, LeeAnne interjects, “I don’t think she’s ready hun.” Ughhh stfu LeeAnne! Still, brave Stephanie tries again asking if they can just set up a time to meet and talk.

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And again, loudmouth LeeAnne, “Just text… text… That’s what good phones are for. She doesn’t know her schedule right now.” So not only is LeeAnne her guard dog, but now she’s her secretary too. Ugh I hate seeing people talk for other people – it is so frustrating! Stay out of the cheerleader’s business, carnie!

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Brandi has to excuse herself to go cry in the hallway and Stephanie is left with the group fighting back tears as well. LeeAnne follows Brandi out so they can leave together, but before she can go, she storms back in and confronts Cary. Somehow LeeAnne keeps her voice relatively calm but her crazy eyes are going berserk – they look like they’re about to pop out of her head.

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She asks Cary about the “up to her old tricks” text and Cary straight up denies it. Crisis averted. But why would Stephanie make that up randomly? All I can think of is to get Brandi to be weary towards LeeAnne. On the other hand, it’s pretty obviously why Cary would lie about it to LeeAnne if she did say those things – she doesn’t want to get attacked with sandpaper!

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Predictions

Next week: LeeAnne in a hotdog costume, need I say more? Brandi and Stephanie finally sit down and talk, but of course guardian LeeAnne has to be present. I was trying really hard not to pick sides in this fight but I find myself leaning more towards Stephanie. What she did really didn’t seem like that big of a deal in the first place. Brandi should’ve just told her right away that it upset her, Stephanie would’ve apologized, and done. Instead it’s blown up into this huge issue and the way Brandi just straight up ignore Stephanie tonight was not cool. I’m thinking there must be more to the story if Brandi wants to cut from her life because of one “car wreck” comment.

What did you think of this week’s episode? Whose side are you on Stephanie or Brandi? Has LeeAnne truly reformed into a calm, sane human being? What do you think of the new girls?

Let me know in the comments below!

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