Con-text is Everything
The second season of Below Deck Med has come to a close and I am devastated. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: this was an amazing season…. the best yet! The Caribbean version of Below Deck is going to have a hard time following that (unless they bring Rocky back lol – please no!). Every episode this season was jam packed with drama – love triangles, hook ups with guests, anchor issues, preference sheet defiance. This crew really brought it every episode and they were all both hard working and entertaining. I’m so sad to say good-bye but I’m also really excited about the Reunion next week!
I Cross Referenced the Texts
The episode starts exactly where it ended last week, with Chef what’s-his-face showing Wes all of the shady texts Malia has still been sending Chef behind Wes’ back. Chef pretends that he is concerned about Wes getting hurt by Malia – but you know that the second Wes were to walk away from Malia, Chef would be back to being all over that. Wes seems a little disturbed but still chill – prob because he’s half awake.
Bobby the Babysitter
The escorts, ahem, ladies want to get off the boat and get the hell away from the creepy old dudes. So Bobby tries to wrangle the 6 girls and takes them shopping right before dinner. Once they get into town the girls run wild and Bobby is no match for them. Two of the girls get lost and Bobby leaves them behind when he returns to the boat. No whores left behind Bobby!
The main charter guest, Jerry, has been getting more and more annoyed this whole time. He’s def hangry and has been sitting around waiting on all of these girls so he can have some dinner. And who is he taking all of his frustration out on? Bobby, who coincidentally also happens to be getting close to Tinder girl – so maybe Jerry’s really more upset about that.
Jerry asks to speak to the Captain and the girls start talking about him in another language – never a good sign. Jerry tells Captain that he feels like Bobby is taking his role and wants him put on anchor watch as punishment. Ugh what role is that? The only dude that can be around the girls? Creep.
You Can Have Fun, But Only When I Say
Tinder girl decides if Bobby isn’t going to go out with them, she’s not going to go either. But then Jerry changes his mind since he doesn’t want the two of them left alone on the boat together. So he tells Bobby at the last minute that he’s going out with them and even demands that he leave his cell phone on the boat. Omg what a control freak!
Bobby is super pissed but has to act fake af when out with the guests. Hannah arranges for Jerry to dance in the go-go dancer cage (which no one wants to see) and he chooses Bobby to dance beside him.
Back on the boat Jerry wants all of the girls to come in the hot tub with him but per usual they ditch him and head to bed. There were times throughout this episode that I would start to feel bad for Jerry (but that’d quickly turn back to disgust). The girls were so blatantly obvious in their disdain for him and it was embarrassing to watch. But you get what you pay for Jerry – next time don’t hire low-rent Instagram models. Jerry passes out in the hot tub and has to be woken up by Max.
Bobby is still awake when Tinder girl wakes up to leave so he walks her out. Jerry’s plan to keep them apart was thwarted. They kiss goodbye – true love story, the likes of which we haven’t seen since last season’s Danny and Tilted Kilt girl. Such a fucking hypocrite Bobby.
The next morning, Jerry is super dramatic when doling out the tip money. He declares, “Sometimes the actions of one have consequences for the many.” Dun dun dunnnn…. commercial break. Then Jerry continues his monologue, “But that’s not how I roll!” He ends up giving them a great, generous tip and then awards his traditional MVP tip to…. Hannah! In your face Bugs! Hannah is the epitome of ultimate class and splits her $4000 tip with the entire crew.
One Last Party
Captain Sandy takes the crew out to dinner to celebrate the end of the season and everyone goes out drinking afterwards. Hannah pulls Bugs aside to talk about Bug’s confronting Hannah for being a “lo-lousy chief stew.” Bugs stands her ground and confirms that she thinks herself and Lauren did more work, “And the whole crew thinks so too.” Hannah is still un-phased but quips back, “Well why didn’t you bring it up earlier then? This is like the I-pad all over again.” And for some reason that really angers Bugs who gets up and grabs her nearest ally, Wes.
Lauren and Hannah talk and Bugs, who is feeling a lot more confident with Wes by her side, decides to go back in for round two. Poor Wes is like “Wtf, why am I here? This has nothing to do with me.” Bugs calls Lauren out for talking shit about Hannah behind her back.
To be fair, Lauren has been kind of throwing Hannah under the bus – but who wasn’t vented about work or especially their boss when they’re frustrated? Lauren at least never said anything derogatory specifically towards Hannah. After Lauren denies any wrongdoing and declares her loyalty to Hannah, Bugs storms out again leaving poor Wes sitting there like… uhhhh crickets.
Wes sits with Malia who admits that she had met Chef before the charter season. Wes sits there kind of in shock but then asks, “Did anything happen physically between you two?” Malia straight up says no! Ahh!! She is lying straight to his face! Run Wes, run!
On the way back to the boat the pair keeps stopping and awkwardly kissing. Wes always puts his arms around her entire head and then kind of just smushes his face onto hers… it’s weird.
Back on the boat, Chef what’s-his-face explains to Hannah that he had hooked up with Malia before the season. Why didn’t he tell Hannah sooner? He’s been trying to get pity from her the past few episodes so why hold back such crucial info?
Down in the crew mess Malia, Wes, and Bugs are very creepily spying on Hannah and Chef while trying to make humorous commentary – and missing the mark. Malia admits that Chef said “I love you” after 4 days. Whoa dude – stage 5 clinger!
The Last Day
The next morning Malia attempts to talk with Chef but he’s not having it. When she asks if they can talk he replies, “I’d rather not.” I’m not sure what Malia is trying to achieve here. Is she trying to smooth things over with him before they leave or trying to make him feel even worse about the situation?
She explains that she liked him at first but then he got weird and she didn’t like him anymore but she was too afraid to tell him the truth and she should’ve told him sooner that she liked Wes. Uh yeah Malia – duh! Chef what’s-his-face doesn’t give an F and Malia storms off muttering “Fuck you dude.” So looks like everyone got closure.
The crew members start trickling out one by one with the boring ones leaving first… sorry Max… Lauren. Chef is either fired up from his convo with Malia or producers were giving him a nudge to finish it once and for all, but he knows that this is his last chance to get through to Wes. So he puts his serious, sad voice on and speaks to Wes… again. And he tells Wes that he and Malia did in fact get physical (a la Olivia Newton John) before charter – not just hang out. Why didn’t he tell him all of this info at once when he showed Wes the texts?
Bobby apologizes to Hannah for the whole Jason/I-pad situation. So they’re friends again…. until WWHL (that they conveniently aired again after this finale and damn it is so awkward yet so juicy).
Chef what’s-his-face leaves without saying goodbye to Malia. She runs all over the boat looking for him but he’s gone and she’s in shock. “But I’m a cute, female deckhand!” Wes tells Malia that Chef confessed to him what really went down between them. Malia responds, “What?!!!” but doesn’t deny it! She’s blaming Chef for continuing to bring it up. What about you liar girl?
Bugs and Hannah have a very awkward good bye… but then Malia and Hannah have an even weirder one where they just kinda stare at each other not knowing what to say. Cringe! Before Wes leaves, he tries a little to call out Malia for her player ways but he’s too damn nice and can’t get the right words out. Damnit Wes, drag her! But no, what does he do instead? The adorable dope kisses her. Ughhh so frustrating!
Hannah is appropriately the last to leave…. hopefully on a flight to meet up with Jason.
There was no preview for next week’s reunion which means they haven’t finished cutting and editing it yet. They did film it rather close to the end of the season so Bravo was prob waiting to see how the ratings were going. I hope some of these hypocrites (ahem Bugs) get called out and that Malia finally gets the attention she deserves.
What an amazing season! Thank you to the cast of Below Deck Med for being so entertaining and so interactive with your fans on social media! Thank you to all of you for taking time to read my silly recaps!