Below Deck

Below Deck Med Episode 12 Recap

Swing Shift

The first 5 minutes of this show are better than 3 full episodes of Orange County.

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Wedgie Drama

The episode picks back up with Wes and Chef what’s-his-face fighting in the streets of Croatia. Chef tries to give Wes a wedgie which really angers him and leads to him smacking Chef’s phone out of his hand. And then Chef kind of open hand slaps/punches Wes in the back of the head!

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Hannah is right there in the middle to break everything up and pull Wes away. Wes is fuming at this point – red face and all. He claims that Chef was trying to rip his pants and calls it a personal attack. Ok Wes, chill dude. Aren’t you madder that he punched you in the head??!!

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Well after all the drama, all that Chef achieved by this was pushing Malia right into Wes’ arms – it’s not as if she could leave him after her promotion anyway. Chef tries to talk to Wes and work it out – he even pulls down his pants in a strange act of peace, but Wes isn’t having it. Chef what’s-his-face seems to have sobered up, until he trips up the stairs. But honestly, who hasn’t been there, drunk or not?

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Max calls Malia out saying that all of this is her fault for leading both guys on.   Everyone is finally turning on Malia – yaaass drag her! Malia stands by her claim that she was honest with both guys about wanting to be friends and that they kissed her. Max goes off on a tangent about gooses and birds (I think… it’s still pretty hard to understand him most of the time) but it comes down to if someone tries to kiss you and you don’t want to be kissing them, you move out of the way.

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Chef confides in Hannah who is sympathetic towards him but doesn’t sugarcoat anything. I love this about Hannah! She tells it like it is. She straight up tells him “Well, you were distracted by something shiny and that’s why you weren’t on top of your game. Like remember those onions? Yep all Malia. Or that time you served soup… or that other time you served soup… or the time after that when you served soup. All because of that hussy Malia.”


Too Short to Anchor

Wes and Malia are screwing up on the bow and Captain Sandy is annoyed with them. They’re not answering her on the walkie talkies or communicating with her in anyway. So Captain doesn’t want the two of them to work together on the bow anymore – they’re both too short for the job.


Swing Life Away

The new fancy pants guests arrive and it’s obvious from the start that they’re going to be a pain in the ass. They have crazy demands, including wanting Hannah to book flights for them. They’re also trying to tell Captain Sandy where to anchor – what nerve!


For dinner the guests requested a Texas themed black tie event….. uh wtf – such a weird concept. Chef what’s-his-face does some sort of Texas-Thai fusion…. which does not sound like a thing. The guests presumably go to sleep but around 1am some room hopping starts happening which leads Max to believe that the guests are all swingers.

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Coup D’état

Hannah’s stews are started to get unruly – this is not a democracy ladies! They think that Hannah is not pulling her weight and that they do all the work. This happens every year to Kate Chastain on the original Below Deck and never goes well for the stews. Hannah is chief stew for a reason. She’s in charge of delegating and handling the more important stuff than folding bed sheets.

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Leadership Lessons by Malia

Malia is pulling up the anchor and not doing the job to Captain Sandy’s satisfaction. She sends in Bobby to assist and then tells him to take over. Bobby and Malia get into it because Bobby’s not respecting Malia’s authority as lead deckhand. And why would he? He knows how she got there and he straight up tells her that she has no experience.

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Malia gets super defensive and emotional (again) and yells at him, “You can’t become a leader by being a dick.” Well I don’t think being a leader means getting aggressive every time you’re confronted with something you don’t like or calling your subordinates dicks.

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Wanna Make Her Jealous?

Out on the town that night Wes and Chef are both turning on Malia and its freaking awesome! She cannot handle that no one is giving her any attention. That’s what you get leader-oner jerk face.

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Hannah is pretty sloshed and asks Chef “Wanna make her jealous?” while she’s two inches from his face. Yas Hannah! Such a good friend! I would totally do that for one of my guy friends if some chick was jerking him around.

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And it works! Malia cannot stop staring them down. Surprisingly Wes is also off flirting with some random and Malia is sulking like wtf.

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So Malia starts downing shots to ease her pain of not being center of attention. But she decides to put herself back in the spotlight by making some weird ass toast about becoming lead deckhand and fucking everyone on the boat, including Captain Sandy. Girl you thirsty.

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Hannah and Chef are going to head out which is probably a good thing since Hannah can barely stand. But before they do Hannah kisses Chef what’s-his-face! Now this was not to make Malia jealous because she not around to see it. But it did come off as totally playful on Hannah’s part and not at all sexual. Hope she didn’t catch anything.

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Chef tells Malia that he’s going back to the boat to “poke” Hannah and Malia is all “I don’t care. Cool… have fun with that.”

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But as Hannah and Chef are laughing and stumbling off together, really having a grand old time the camera cuts to Malia who is following them back to the boat. Yea she doesn’t care at all.

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Malia wants to make sure she really hits her point home about not caring what Chef does…. so she makes out with Wes right out in the open as revenge. Not helping yourself here Malia but at least you’re sticking to one guy now.

Lauren and Bugs are still complaining about Hannah and Bugs even goes so far as to confront her. What does she think is gonna happen here? Hannah is just going to say “that’s nice, but I really don’t care about your opinion of me.”

And Bobby will be getting close to and maybe even kissing one of the charter guests! Bobby what??!!! After everything that happened last year with Danny and everything that happened this year with Hannah? You gave them both such crap about being professional when really you were just jelly that it wasn’t you getting the action. What a hypocrite!

Only 2 episodes left – so sad!

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