A Long Trip for a Short Apology
These people are a bunch of hot ass messes wrapped in gold and denial. Bravo ran a season 1 marathon of this garbage today (which of course I watched the shit out of) and man, those were the days. The first season shined as bright as Reza’s many gold watches or Mike’s overly white veneers. Unfortunately the show has taken a turn to dullsville – duller than MJ’s dried frizzy hair. I’m holding onto hope that Gigi will spiral out of control thus saving the season… it’s only episode 2 so I’m keeping the faith.
“Was MJ Jealous?”
Asa is at home and decides to hop on a swan shaped pool float and lounge around her pool. Gigi comes over and tells Asa that she looks skinny – Asa gives her a look like “bitch I know very well that I am gaining weight, not losing… so you are being a fake ass as usual.” Asa can’t seem to get off the pool float, and Gigi “helps” by pretty much pushing Asa into the pool – but the whole thing works out because now Asa has a wet, snug kaftan to show off her baby bump to Gigi. Gigi is shocked at first but quickly obtains her wits, “Was MJ jealous?” Yea because that’s what matters here.
Speaking of the totally non-jealous MJ…. she pays Mike a visit and they immediately start shit talking Asa and her pregnancy. They both claim that it’s not the Persian way and can’t understand why she would have a baby before getting married. Hello? It’s 2017! People have kids without getting married all the time. And really Mike? Who are you to judge? You cheated on your poor wife after she converted to Judaism and you had barely been married a year. And you know that MJ is just bitter and jealous that Asa hooked a Jackson, while MJ is settling for Mets loving, scream talking Tommy.
Reza and Adam are celebrating their 1 year marriage anniversary – which is a milestone for Reza since he comes from a long line of hoes. “My dad was a hoes, my grandma was a hoe… it’s my legacy!” Well calm down Reza… it’s only been a year, there’s still plenty of time for you to fuck it up.
The group piles into this tacky “party bus” that is decorated with blow up monkeys and other crappy looking jungle décor. I guess it’s fitting as this group tends to act like wild animals.
They go to a petting zoo/wildlife sanctuary thing because Reza is trying to make it up to Adam about the cancelled wedding in Thailand. Well what is not helping Adam get over it is MJ bringing up Thailand 301 times! She is so shady! She cannot possibly be that dumb to not realize what she’s doing. Adam straight up tells her “That’s my trigger word. No girl, stfu about Thailand. I wasn’t there and I don’t want to hear about it on my anniversary.” But still she continues to mention it – almost like she’s trying to upset him….spiteful bitch.
I think Mike gets pissed on (or worse) by a monkey… I’m not sure but it was too disgusting to go back and re-watch.
They have a lovely dinner until shit starter MJ starts drilling Asa with inappropriate questions regarding her relationship. She wants to know why Jermaine hasn’t proposed after 7 years and why they don’t even live together. Um, because Asa is a chill person and not a wedding obsessed person giving ultimatums like Katie Maloney.
I’ve been with my fiancée for 7 years and we just recently got engaged…. and sometimes I still don’t really see the point of getting married. Once people have been together for that long and know how they feel about each other, a piece of paper isn’t going to change things. But MJ is relentless in her pursuit of embarrassing Asa – who fortunately doesn’t take the bait and remains completely calm.
Mike jumps in saying that it’s taboo for Asa to be with a black man. Uh what? Is this 1950??? Mike you married a white girl, Reza married a white guy and MJ is engaged to a white monster! So that’s all ok but not a black dude? Get real! MJ and Mike are the last people to be judging anyone else’s relationship or giving any sort of love advice. Step back you ghouls!
Apology Tour: The Reunion
Sweet, gentle Adam goes to meet with his attacker who almost clawed him to death, Gigi. She goes on and one about how she’s changed and learned and grown – all while drinking a beer.
Adam straight up tells her that he wants an apology and she goes around and around again. This girl seriously has Vicki Gunvalson syndrome – she cannot utter the words “I’m sorry”… she seriously cannot physically do it. Adam finally gives up and says that it’s all good but he can’t have a friendship with her if she doesn’t make it right with Reza.
Hot Mess Express
MJ is preparing drinks in her wonky ass mess of an apartment and it looks like she’s about to use her curling iron to stir the drinks. Thank God she came to her senses in time and thought it better to use a straw leftover from another nasty drink.
And wtf is she wearing? She looks even more ridiculous than normal. She has on a strip of fabric that is barely holding her tits in – it looks like a strapless training bra for tweens. Her entire upper body is smeared with terribly applied self-tanner – she’s a hot mess.
Her look very much matches her apartment, which Reza is horrified by when he arrives. But then they go to visit MJ’s father in the hospital and the disarray of her life makes sense. Sad, sad, sad.
Apology Tour: The Encore
Shervin throws some random ass party in Malibu for reasons that aren’t explained… or if they were I wasn’t paying attention. Reza is very emotional about seeing MJ’s sick father and is making the whole thing about himself per usual. Instead of being a strong and supportive friend for MJ, Reza gossips about her with Mike and Asa saying that she is in denial about her father’s condition.
Not much happens at this party – we meet Gigi’s new man who she describes as having a “cute, little face.” I don’t think that statement could be any farther from the truth – kind of looked a little inbred to me.
And then Reza seems to have an epiphany that was brought on by seeing MJ’s father and out of the blue makes up with Gigi. Both of their apologies seemed pretty in genuine and all for show – especially since the entire group was sitting around listening. They didn’t really get deep or into specifics, just a basic Housewives’ apology, “I’m sorry if I did anything that hurt you.”
Reza throws a themed Halloween party that looks both ridiculous and uneventful. MJ talks to Tommy about wanting to have a baby… now. I don’t have high hopes for this season if it continues down this route. This is the same problem that Vanderpump Rules will be having soon and Southern Charm already is: these people are getting too old! No one wants to see them getting married and having babies. We want debauchery and cheating and sex and over excessive drinking. Babies are booooring!
Another similarity to this season’s Southern Charm that really makes a difference: the show’s most crazy and entertaining drug head screw ups (Kathryn on SC and Gigi) are now sober, healthy, and spewing inspirational quotes while doing yoga. I mean, sure it’s great for them… but boring for us. Bring back the crazy!
What did you think of this week’s episode? Was Gigi’s Apology Tour: The Reunion genuine for once? Was that pee that the monkey squirted onto Mike? Is MJ’s apartment overrun with cockroaches?
Let me know in the comments below!