Below Deck

Below Deck Med Episode 7 Recap

Mo’ Onions, Mo’ Problems

Don’t mess with Hannah evah, EVAH!! She is so close to blowing up on Chef what’s-his-face – who after calling Hannah a slut last week, continues to be disrespectful this entire episode. I was so so so disappointed that the chef was not fired – I was actually heartbroken. I mean Captain Sandy could’ve at least tried to call Chef Ben! I’ve been trying so hard not to remember this Chef’s name because I was hoping he’d be out the door by now. I blame this on Malia and this damn love triangle that the producers want to keep pushing.

Episode 6   Episode 5   Episode 4   Bobby Breakdowns


Onion Gate

Chef what’s-his-face is still upset with Hannah for not having psychic abilities and knowing that the ferry would end up being delayed. “Bugsy would’ve known. Bugsy would’ve looked in her crystal ball and foreseen the future. Why can’t you do that Hannah… stupid slut. Maybe Bugsy should be chief stew.” Hannah is not having this shit and claps back with “Maybe we should have a chef who can read a fucking preference sheet.” Ohhhhh!!!! That shut his ass up.


The guests and some crew head to the gorgeous falls and chef what’s-his-face is still bitching about onions and singles out Kenny – the primary. He says that Kenny needs to be more appreciative – wtf dude?! I’m sure he is very appreciative, he just doesn’t like onions! Why is that so hard to understand? You need to be more appreciative that Kenny spent a shit ton of money to be here so you could have a job.


That night, Chef what’s-his-face decides to dice up some onions and put them into the soup. So at this point he doesn’t give an f and isn’t even trying to hide it! Why would you dice them? At the very least puree those bad boys up and no one would’ve noticed…. Unless Kenny has a deathly allergy – ever think of that?


The guests of course notice the giant, chopped up onions floating around in their soup. Poor Kenny is so nice and you can just tell that he doesn’t want to be the guy to send food back…again. Chef what’s-his-face says that Kenny rubbed him the wrong way. Huh? Have you even spoken to him? He is projecting some sort of deep rooted insecurity onto Kenny.

The next day Kenny mentions to the Captain that everything has been great, except all of the onions. Captain Sandy cannot believe it. “Why am I hearing the word ‘onions’ goddammit?! Fucking onions?!! Chef must not have gotten his rest to be putting onions in the food. Dammit chef, take a nap!”

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When Captain Sandy confronts the chef he lies right to her face. What a wimp! He is finally starting to realize that he’s “screwed the pooch” as Captain Lee would say. He does tell Hannah the truth and also adds that he thought it would be funny. Nothing is funny about messing with somebody’s money! The crew gets word and everyone is super pissed. Finally Kenny gets his revenge by calling out the chef for his shitty service and complementing everyone else – Hannah twice! Somehow, someway the crew still gets the highest tip amount they’ve gotten all season.


The Captain calls Chef what’s-his-face up to the bridge and I am legit salivating at the mouth thinking that this is it! We are about to finally be rid of this psychopath. He admitted that he added the onions out of spite and had lied right to the Captain’s face. In the biggest let down of the season, Captain Sandy does not fire the chef – ugghhh! So upsetting!


The Bachelorette: Bravo Edition

The many one-on-one “dates” Malia had with the dudes all fighting over her was really like watching an episode of The Bachelorette. Who will Malia end up in the fantasy suite with?

Date 1

Adam and Malia sneak away from working to go get a better view of the falls. Everyone is sooo fucking obsessed with Malia and I really don’t get it – she bores me. Adam is asking question after question and Malia keeps responding with one word answers. Either she’s not that into him (which we find out is not the case) or she seriously does not have anything remotely intelligent to say. We don’t see it but we hear a sneaky kiss as the pair walks back, so that’s that.


Date 2

Wes and Malia go for a walk….and that’s about it. I mean, they’re walking at night which looks creepy as hell. And they see some adorable kittens – so sweet. This is just further cementing Wes as a nice guy and pushing him more and more into the friend zone, unfortunately. Does it get anymore pure than being on a date with Wes and seeing sweet baby kittens?!! My heart may explode.


Date 3

Bobby decides he wants to talk to Malia about his chances – first thing in the morning! God Bobby let the girl have a cup of coffee first. She does not want to be having this conversation but in the end says that they can hang as friends. This perks Bobby up, “If that doesn’t say she’s interested, what does? I was friends with Julia and that turned out great. I’ll slowly make her love me! I’ll grow on her like a fungus and if she rejects me, I’ll scream in her face. Yeah… yeah that always works.” God!!!! So delusional!



Guests Escapades

One of the guests drunkenly passes out while sitting on the toilet. It legit looks like he’s dead – like he’s slumped over and out like a light. The best part is his friends aren’t even alarmed. They are like, oh yea this happens all the time. Ha!



The crew puts together a competitive team vs team obstacle course. Omg this looked soooo fun!!! There didn’t seem to be any rules – at least that I could follow. Everyone was just running around or swimming in complete chaos but it looked like a damn good time.

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Hannah aka Head Bitch in Charge has been getting more and more agitated with Bugs ever since Chef what’s-his-face’s dumbass comment. But she needs to direct that anger towards the chef and not Bugsy – it’s not her fault. The chef was clearly trying to manipulate and fuck with Hannah and unfortunately, it’s working. After a few drinks Hannah is venting to Lauren about these new “bum chums” and trying to get Lauren on her side. I think she knows that it will piss of Bugs and that Lauren wants Hannah’s approval so badly that she’ll stick by her no matter what. And this works too – because Bugsy is clearly upset, “Why is she talking to Lauren? She doesn’t even like her! We don’t like her! I thought we were a team. Damn that chef!”

The Fantasy Suite

Wes and Malia are innocently flirting – I don’t think Wes knows any other way. Chef what’s-his-face can’t deal and is sulking in the corner. He finally just ditches everyone and tails it back to the boat like a little bitch. But THEN…. Malia goes chasing after him!!! Wtf Malia?!! Get a grip girl! She feels bad that he’s upset, “Look guys, one of our own is having a rough time and it’s up to us to be there for him! I would do the same for any of you…. It’s true.” Uh yea…. Ok sure. He’s upset over something that was his own damn fault. Ughhh!



Omg next week looks so freaking good!!! No surprise, but it looks like our bachelorette has chosen Chef what’s-his-face….hope you like van living girl. We get a super-hot charter guest – Texas’s most eligible bachelor – YUM!!! Of course, he has plenty of hot ladies in tow – but they all seem pretty interested in Bobby who is loving every minute of it. Hannah is sort of kind of flirting with this sexy Texas man and who could blame her?! They show her running after him, going into his room, and then noises – not even like kissing noises but full on moaning sex noises!!! I was screaming at the tv in hysterics! I mean get it Hannah! About damn time – home girl deserves some action! Of course as we know, the Bravo editors have pulled tricks like this on us before so who knows what actually happened. You’ve made me jaded Bravo editors! But damn I hope this happens. Either way, I am here for it – popcorn in tow!

What did you think of this week’s episode?  Should Chef what’s-his-face been fired?  Who should Malia choose?  Will Hannah hook up with that hottie next week?!

Let me know in the comments below!

Episode 6   Episode 5   Episode 4   Bobby Breakdowns

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