Below Deck

Below Deck Med Episode 5 Recap


Double Trouble

Thank you Bravo gods for blessing us with 15 extra glorious minutes of Below Deck Med this week. This was a great episode and made me really excited for next week. Finally, finally some real drama that isn’t about the anchor and for once leaves Bobby out. This is what this season has been missing: a love triangle. And I am all about it! The conniving, manipulative chef and the innocent, unsuspecting boson battle it out to win the basic, blah personality girl who has a pretty face. Isn’t this how all great love stories start? Episode 4   Episode 3   Episode 2   Episode 1   Bobby Breakdowns

Anchor Drama Conclusion

After all of that anchor drama last week, everything is fixed in about 30 seconds of the show opening. Wes saves the day, no thanks to his deckhand Malia, who is relaxing and sunbathing. Captain Sandy is so nice and doesn’t call out Bobby for being a total tool bag. Captain Lee would be ripping him a new one.



Love Triangle

The crew hits the town and the question everyone wants answered is, who will Malia choose tonight? Wes? Chef what’s-his-face? Does Bobby still have a chance? Or will it be my personal favorite, Hannah? It seems like Wes is in the lead, he’s really charming her with his hand noise talents.


That is until Malia gets the drunk munchies and Chef what’s-his-face pulls ahead by offering to make her gravy.   Wow tough choice ya got there Malia – how will you ever choose?



Cheap Charter

The new guests arrive for a quick 1 day charter and they seem chill enough at first. One of the guests is thrown off of Captain Sandy’s favorite toy, the banana. Bobby to the rescue once again and the guest is surprisingly ok.


After a drunken excursion the guests decide to bring back some randoms to the boat. They are already all drunk af and continue to order more and more drinks. Lauren is the only one on service so what could go wrong? Chef what’s-his-face is all too happy to go wake up Hannah and tell her to get her ass out there.


One guest in particular is completely wasted and being a huge pain in the ass to Hannah. He doesn’t want to participate in the toga party and is very overly vocal about what a stupid idea he thinks it is.


He is also arguing with one of his “friends” about the tip about. I have never seen anything so shocking and classless in all the years of Below Deck as guests arguing over the tip. So uncouth! I even prefer Mr. Skin to this low brow nonsense!




Bugsy is taking the lead on service and there’s a bunch of shots showing Hannah sitting around and doing nothing. The shady edit is real, and real strong. Tell me no one is buying this sad attempt to label Hannah as lazy. It is so obvious that they grabbed every single piece of footage they had of her on break for the entire charter season and mushed it all into one petty package to fit the storyline.


Chef what’s-his-face has suddenly changed his tune about hating Bugsy and has refocused his aggression onto Hannah. This shift seems pretty opportune considering Hannah has been upfront about trying to hook up Wes and Malia, while Bugsy’s allegiance is still unknown.   So transparent Chef what’s-his-face… hopefully Bugs doesn’t fall for it.

Lauren Loses it… Again

Lauren explains that she was a bitch in high school and it made her depressed. Um, what about all of the people that you were a bitch to? I think they were a little more depressed about it than you… self-absorbed much? Lauren is having a full on break down – she is so damn sensitive.


So Bugs and Hannah play good cop/bad cop. Hannah pretty much gives her the business – it’s hard for everyone bitch so suck it up and keep this shit moving you weakling. I mean she was thinking it, right?

Love Triangle Gets Real

To celebrate having no anchor drama on this charter, the crew goes out again to party! Chef says he’s going to “stake his claim” with Malia… she’s not a gold mine dude!! He’s actually making Bobby look good with these comments! Malia could give two fucks about Bobby and is pretty much ignoring him right to his face. She’s legit throwing flower petals in his face and Bobby thinks that it’s all because of the Hannah/Lauren drama… not just because he’s a misogynist asshole.


Malia and Wes end up kissing at the bar, although Wes does kind of grab her head and put his whole arm around her so she can’t escape. Chef what’s-his-face will not stand for this and also corners and mouth rapes Malia. WTF dudes?!!! Stop mouth raping girls! No one wants a tongue forced down their throat! Just stop!

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Lauren and Bobby are going to slut shame Malia… both out of jealously. Lauren is jealous that she is not the center on attention and Bobby is upset that he didn’t get with that first. This does look bad for Malia, but these guys both literally forced their tongues on her! Again Chef what’s-his-face misdirects his aggression and calls Hannah (Hannah!!!) a slut when really he’s pissed at Malia. I don’t agree with it all, but I’m totally here to watch it! What did you think of this week’s episode?  Did Malia cross the line or are these dudes just push tongue aggressors? Let me know in the comments below! Episode 4   Episode 3   Episode 2   Episode 1   Bobby Breakdowns

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