To Liver and Die in Charleston
Old Man Shep
Shep hears back from his doctor and finds out that he has high cholesterol and an enflamed liver. The doctor tells him to lay off the drinking, but especially shots. So Shep is going to try and quit drinking… which we already know doesn’t last for long. I mean we’ve already seen in the teaser that Cameron walks into his place at 1pm and it’s covered with beer cans and liquor bottles.
Cameron and Craig are looking at a potential investment property for Craig. And of course, Craig shows up 45 minutes late! And then he is super snotty about the house – you’re not going to be living there Craig. He is complaining about everything in the house. Maybe he doesn’t understand how this whole “rental property” thing works. Popcorn ceiling is his biggest complaint – “I don’t want this in my portfolio.” Do you even have a portfolio Craig? Take the popcorn! Cameron says it best “He has caviar taste on a Vienna sausage budget.” Hilarious.
Classy Beer Date
Austen and Chelsea go out drinking… because that’s what these two do on dates. Austen wants to impress her with his extensive beer knowledge… wow how impressive – a guy who knows a lot about beer, don’t see that very often. These two are so f-ing boring together. They flirt like they are in 8th grade. Austin tells Chelsea that everything is good with the whole Shep situation… I highly doubt that.
Voodoo Dr Cam
Cameron is literally carrying her creepy voodoo doll around town and gets the doll its own seat at a restaurant. WTF?! In his interview, Shep says Cameron is into weird stuff because she’s married and bored – in Cameron’s interview she says she thinks she is into partying because he’s bored! So, so great! Cameron will just not quit with this Shep/Chelsea thing…. give it a rest girl! She’s just not that into him! She gives Shep a voodoo doll to bring love into his life. He is supposed to leave this creepy ass doll on the front porch of the girl that he likes – sounds like that will bring a restraining order into his life.
Matchmaker, matchmaker make me a match
And we’re onto the next scene of trying to push unwilling women into pervy old men’s arms. Patricia throws an entire dinner party with the hopes of hooking up Landon and Thomas. Damn, these southern belles really are bored – worry about your own damn love lives. Omg though – Cameron looks gorgeous at this party. I am loving her outfit – I mean all of her clothes are one point but this is so chic!
Cameron goes from saying this is such a bad idea, no one wants to be involved with Thomas and his Katheryn drama, Patricia is fighting a losing battle…. And then at the table she is the first to bring up Thomas and Landon potentially dating. Sheesh. Whitney asks if they would have a pre-nup…. What a weird fucking thing to ask? They’re not even close to dating yet so what the hell does a pre-nup have to do with anything?!
Landon’s eyes flash with dollar signs as she joyfully claps and squeals. Her clapping looks like a beached seal… which fits since her heinous laugh also sounds like a beached seal.
Sorry Dad, but Mom is the matriarch
Austen meets up with his parents and these two look like they like to party. Austen says in an interview, “No offense to my dad, but my mom is definitely the matriarch of the family.” Uhhh…. Duh!!! Ya think Austen? Like no shit Sherlock. His parents don’t consider his career as a glorified “Bud Light Girl” a real job and want him to get serious. Maybe he should start his own brewery if he’s so passionate about beer… for real.
Sip and See
Snowden is having a “Sip and See” to show off her nee baby boy. This is such a weird concept to me. Everyone is passing around the drinks and then passing around the baby! Take a drink, hold the baby… take a drink, pass the baby… take a drink, hold the baby. Thomas brings Kenzie, which is nice… until he immediately pawns her off on Snowden so he can get a “drinky-poo.” Father of the year.
Snowden asks Whitney if he wants to hold the baby if which he replies, “No”. I never thought I’d say this but I have never related to Whitney more!
Naomi shows up sans Craig… oh shit y’all! He takes longer to get ready than her so she left his ass! OMG! Ballsy Naomi, ballsy. They’re kind of avoiding each other and it’s super akwy! Naomi is confiding her frustration with Craig and not being invited to Patricia’s to Shep and Cameron. Two seconds later Snowden, true to form, comes running over to where Craig is and asks him why everyone is talking about him upstairs? Really Snowden? You just cannot help yourself can you?!
Naomi and Craig have the most passive aggressive and uncomfortable fight in front of this poor old woman. They are both airing out all of their grievances about each other and trying to get this woman on their sides. She is literally like get me the f out of here! She awkwardly hugs them and then legit runs/gallops away. Soooo awky!!! Craig is being a bitter better and calls Naomi a child. God he is acting like such a douche! Why Craig? Be mean to everyone else, but no Naomi!
Next episode: The boys go hunting (snooze), Patricia is still pushing Landon on Thomas, Kathryn wears a 90s tattoo choker, Naomi wants couples counseling.
What did you think of this episode? Are Naomi and Craig headed down a dark path or is it all editing magic? Will any of the forced match-making end with actual relationships?
Let me know in the comments below!