Reunion Part 3 was definitely the most dark and serious of all the parts (Part 1, Part 2) we’ve seen so far. It kind of stinks that our last impression of Vanderpump Rules for the season was something so depressing, but I realize why they had to leave it for the very end.
There was a bit of comedy in the episode to lighting things up… and I’m not just talking about the many forms that Katie’s face took. The drag scenes were, of course, particularly amusing.
There weren’t too many fights between the cast members this episode. I guess they already got everything out and just wanted to chill after lunch… except for James Kennedy that is.
We get into the joint bachelor/bachelorette party in New Orleans. This was just such a terrible idea from the start. If they both want to go to the same place for their parties then fine. But they should’ve been doing separate activities the entire time… none of this, let’s me up now that everyone is shit faced crap.
Katie thinks the reason that she and Schwartz fight so much is because of Sandoval and Ariana. Um, that’s a “convenient narrative” Katie. Way to take responsibility for your drunk ass. We flash to screenshots of drunken hate messages from Katie to Ariana pretty much blaming them for everything that’s wrong with Katie’s life.
“We fight solely about him defending the two of you.” What is he defending them about? The fact that they’re friends with James and LaLa? How does that affect your life Katie?! Schwartz always has to defend everyone against Katie’s tyrant rage. I think he also wants to make it clear to people that he does not think the way that she thinks and he is probably genuinely embarrassed to be associated with her and the things that come out of her mouth.
Then there’s Jax’s breakdown and tearful apology to Stassi in front of Brittany. Brittany and Stassi are sitting super close. There arms are touching, they are like smushed together. But then there’s also a big gap between Brittany and Kristen… she is literally trying to distance herself from Kristen and the lesbo rumors. (That shit def happened!)
I see why Brittany is so upset by this whole thing. Jax has done and said a lot of mean stuff to and about Brittany. But what did you expect when you started dating Jax Taylor? He’s practically tame now. Stassi went through so many more worse and terrible things and it has taken him this long to finally own up to it. If you can hold out another 3 years then you can get an apology for the Kristen drama..
Schwartzy, Schwartzy, Schwartzy. The montage of Schwartz’s drinking in New Orleans makes my liver clench up in fear… and that’s saying something. According to him, he wasn’t blacked out… he was “browned out.” I dunno about that one – he could barely string 2 words together or stand upright at many points throughout the trip.
Dragged in Drag
The guys were basically telling Schwartz not to marry Katie – duh. This must’ve been hard for her to watch back after the fact. She’s upset because she thought the guys were her friends too… but of course they are going to always pick Schwartz’s best interest over yours. Sandoval defends himself, saying this was after witnessing months and months of them arguing and Katie’s volatile behavior. He goes off on the girls and how they always give Schwartz advice on how to calm Katie down and how to “handle” her. God is she zoo animal? Is Kristen the Katie wrangler? After 6 years, you would think that Schwartz would know how to deal with his handful… he just didn’t give a fuck this summer. Sandoval is pissedd that no one is on Schwartz’s side or holding Katie accountable for her shit. Direct quote “You spent all summer licking her fucking asshole.” They were all afraid and wanted to be in the wedding…. Why? Who wants to be in a wedding and do all of that extra bullshit when you can just show up and party?
Being the great bridesmaid that she is, Kristen decided to accuse Schwartz of cheating at his own bachelor party. She’s still pretty proud of this moment… good for you Kristen, it was your one moment all season long. She thinks that they needed to talk about it and now everything is resolved because of her… ok delusional. Even Katie is rational enough to know that it was bad timing. And then she continued to chase his ass down and send her attack dog Carter to back him into a hallway.
Stassi was sleeping when she heard yelling and popped her head out of her room to see grown men, dressed in drag, and arguing about Sia. This was one of the most hilarious moments all season.
So in the battered wife scene Schwartz was pooping? I don’t know why I never realized that. I just thought he had to pee that way because of his outfit and the layers. Gross! I think Schwartz got off pretty easy on this whole thing given what an ass hat he was being the whole trip. Andy didn’t really push for him to apologize or give any sort of explanation.
Bottle It Up
Katie is talking about being hurt by the cheating rumors and says he never acknowledged the gravity and devastation that she felt. While she’s talking he interrupts her and says what about the devastation I’ve been dealing with on a monthly basis for 5 years with your blowups? OMG! Katie doesn’t say a word but just glares at the ground. Holy shit, he is gonna get slaughtered tonight. Schwartz also says (and they even subtitle it, so no one misses it) “I fucked up multiple times.” Is he saying he’s cheated on her more than once or that he’s just a screw up in general?
Schwartz can say with almost 100% confidence that he didn’t sleep with Vegas girl. Almost 100%?!! That would not be very comforting to me. So Andy asks Katie if at this point she thinks it’s true… that they actually has sex. And she doesn’t really say yes or no. She says that the physical act part, she can get over…. So come on, she knows that shit happened. I think she is thinking well, it’s too late now – and at the time she was thinking well, it’s too late now. Sad.
Jax cannot keep his mouth closed! Like not just that he can’t keep a secret but physically he cannot keep his mouth closed! He’s a total mouth breather. After sooo many nose jobs, you’d think he’d have it figured out.
I was hoping we had already gotten our wedding fix in Part 1, but unfortunately the Bravo gods are not that kind. $51,000 total cost! $51! Really, it was a beautiful location and everything did look a lot nicer than I had expected. But $51,0000? Why? I’m sure there were things that Katie could’ve cut back or gotten a better deal on. Why didn’t she get any free stuff? And why so much on flowers?
Andy calls Schwartz’s dip in the river a “whore bath.” And it was, it really was. That was so fucking gross. Couldn’t Katie smell him when she came walking down the aisle? Maybe it just blended in with the other outdoorsy smells.
The scene with triplets Billy, Brandon, and Bert plays, as if we haven’t cried over it enough. All that I can think when I look at these triplets is how unfortunate it is that they don’t look like Schwartz. Or better yet, why could Schwartz’s egg have been the one to split? The world would be such a better and more attractive place. Sigh
Katie talks about having special candy the day before the wedding. Is she on that now? Take something at lunch? She’s pretty mellow and also slurring her words here and there. She is also constantly touching Schwartz and trying to put her arm around him.
DJ James Kennedy was super pumped (not to be confused with Pump Sessions) about his DJ/Rap performance thing… that is until the perpetual trolls Jax and Kristen crash the gig. James thought the whole thing was disgusting and it was… it really made Jax and Kristen look pathetic and miserable. Like really? This is all you have going on in your lives? Jax and Kristen however are still happy about the whole thing and pretty proud of themselves. They are monsters. I think James was expecting some sort of apology or at least a show of remorse from these 2 scumbags and when they were still laughing about the whole thing it really set him off. He started screaming “shut up!” at Kristen over and over again. Kristen is already prepared for this and perfectly throws him under the bus, outing him for his vodka soda at lunch. This was pretty much the only outburst we had the whole reunion from James and it’s pretty upsetting.
The tone gets very ominous as they prep for Shay to make his appearance. Scheana starts freaking the fuck out and saying she doesn’t want to see him. She hasn’t talked to him or seen him in 4 months. She is already crying and just repeating that she doesn’t want to see him. And Andy is pretty much like ok well tough shit, after this Mike Shay will be with us.
It’s all very tense as they prep for Shay to come out. All of the girls are being very supportive of Scheana… about time. Shay tells his make-up artist that he doesn’t know how to feel…. What else is new?
He looks sooo uncomfortable and sooo nervous. He doesn’t like to be on tv in the first place and now here he is, center of attention and in the hot seat and he cannot stop squirming. They flash back to their wedding. Damn Scheana looks so much better now!
They’re not officially divorced yet. It’s only been 3 months and it takes 6-8 months in Cali.
Scheana looks really nervous too, she can’t stop fidgeting with her hair. She didn’t want to bring her shit up because it was Katie’s summer. Ugh! They are such bad friends. She is so afraid of them that she can’t even talk to them about terrible things that she’s going through. She knows that they will be unsympathetic or turn around and use it in some way against her. Which is sad but true. Why are you even friends with them Scheana?!! So basically one of their mutual friends who was selling Shay the pills ratted him out to Scheana. She knows that he paid $600 for 50 pills. Damn that shit is one expensive habit. Stassi cannot even look, she is cringing so bad. Shay doesn’t really deny it but says that all of the money he’s been taking out of the joint account is for his “business.”
Again back to their main problem – he doesn’t know how to communicate and express his feelings and when he finally gets up the nerve to say something Scheana is not listening and just talks right over him. We saw this play out many times and very awkwardly this season.
But he also has such a hard time getting the words out. I mean, Scheana can’t sit there all damn day waiting for him to finally formulate a sentence. Shay says that he gave her everything… uh what would that be exactly? Ariana tries so so hard to get this mute to finally give his side of the story. She is really passionate and sounds like she’s on the verge of tears. Spit it out you useless lump! She said she will sit there in silence and wait 10 minutes if that’s what it takes. And that’s prob what it would take but you know that producers are like, Oh God no.
Finally Shay explains that he couldn’t handle the “lifestyle” anymore after he had quit drinking. This is where I finally side with him. Scheana was dragging his ass out to clubs when he is trying to recover from addiction! Addiction Sheanna! This man should not have been out partying. And who wants to be around a bunch of drunk people when you are sober… I never want to do it! Shit gets old fast. Then when he didn’t want to go anymore, Scheana would just go without him and leave him at home. This is so sick to me. What kind of partnership is that Scheana? Even as he is trying to explain all of this, she keeps interrupting and talking over him. Shut the fuck up Scheana, for once, and let him get this out. When Shay finally talks it’s like seeing Halley’s Comet, we gotta get what we can, while we can.
According to Scheana the marriage started going south only 3 months in, but Shay thinks it wasn’t until the first year. They just keep cutting to Stassi’s super expressive “yikes” face. Stassi is all of us in this scene. So apparently Shay had been texting another girl, in what Scheana describes as the “you on top of me texts.” Ugh nasty… who the fuck would want Shay on top of them?! Masochist! I am so shocked that Shay would do this… I mean let’s be real he has already always been so out of his league with Scheana. But obviously he was just so lonely and desperate for someone to listen to him after being neglected for so long.
So he never actually met up with this girl, but still it was an emotional affair. As Shay is explaining himself Scheana whips out her compact and starts fiddling with her hair and make-up. Andy is giving her crazy side-eye like wtf are you doing? This is prob all super upsetting for her to relive and she’s trying to distract herself, but it’s making her look super self-involved…even more than usual. Finally both Andy and Lisa call her out… like you not only look ridiculous but also like a total snob. So all of the girls had already known about these texts but Scheana wanted to keep in on the d.l. and not put it on the show. She didn’t want the Brandi haters to claim karma and give her shit… well, shoe fits. So instead she decided to put Shay’s secrets on blast as revenge. This is where Scheana totally loses and I literally want to smack her. Shay had allegedly already been clean and sober for 6 months when Scheana outed him on national television because she was so mad about the texts. So because Scheana had too much pride to reveal the real issue, she decided to embarrass him instead. Oh Scheana, that is some low down dirty bull. Not cool girl. Shay is finally speaking his mind and I think he is actually pissed..hard to tell… he doesn’t exactly yell. He said that now he’s labelled as a druggie to everyone. Scheana say well yea and I’m labelled as a home-wrecking whore so… Shay with the clapback, “I didn’t label you that though, you labelled yourself that.” Ohhh!!! Shay for the win! Damn that was a good burn. Harsh, but true.
Shay was under the impression that they were going to try and make it work but next time he sees her, she divorces him on camera. So Scheana already has a new bf… but then decides to rub it in more by saying… you know him. Sounds like he’s one of their mutual friends. 3 months after that long of a relationship seem pretty damn quick. This whole thing is so sad and dark dark dark. I feel bad for both of them but they’ve both done terrible things to each other and just don’t get each other. He ends by saying that he’ll always love her and be there for her if she ever needs him. At this point, everyone is crying… myself included. They hug goodbye.
On A Lighter Note…
Tom Tom has not been started yet because Schwartz still does not want to get on board! Wtf Schwartz! Seriously what the fucking fuck is wrong with you? He thinks he’s going to mess it up and doesn’t want to tarnish Lisa’s good name. Please, do you think Lisa Vanderpump would let that happen? She knows what you are capable of… or better yet not capable of. She’s not going to be giving you an actual job job… it’s not going to actually be something serious you dope. She’ll prob have you at the front greeting people and taking pics, like a club appearance but full time. Or like Mickey Mouse or something. Or Santa Clause. Come to dinner at Tom Tom’s and get a free voucher to sit on Schwartz’s lap… I’m down! Lisa’s already threatening to change the concept to LaLa’s Lounge… now that would be a raunchy place. I’m sure they’ll get their act together just in time to start filming next season. Ken and Peter come out with drinks and that’s a wrap on Season 5.
It kinda stinks that Scheana is already in a new relationship. I was hoping that next season we could see some scenes of single Stassi and Scheana, out on the town wreaking havoc. Also, next season better have some Tom Tom. Maybe we can start to transition away from this group and to a hot young group of kids working at Tom Tom… with the 2 Toms giving them advice. Ha!!!
Le me know in the comments below!