The Bitch is Back!
Reunion time! Sometimes I feel like I’m waiting all season long just for shit to come out in the reunion. Every time someone is talking smack in their confessionals I’m already salivating thinking about the shady package that Bravo will whip up and so it can be rehashed at the reunion.
The only thing better than a catty Housewife reunion, is of course, a Vanderpump Rules reunion. And boy do these kids bring it… there is no holding back.
3 part reunions are the things dreams are made of to us bravo obsessed. Normally, I find part 1 of a 3 part-er to be a general snooze fest. The best material is always kept for the end of part 2 and all of part 3.
However, I was pleasantly surprised with part 1 of Vanderpump Rules reunion. James in particular was super over the top and I loved every minute of it. (I mean who didn’t? Even Jax was cracking up.)
I was also extremely excited that they brought out LaLa so soon. I thought for sure we wouldn’t see her overly-large hoop earrings and daring make up choices until the very end of part 2, teasing into part 3.
Per ushe, Sandoval was super emo and totes over the top, although I don’t take him seriously until he starts to cry… which I’m sure will be coming in part 2 when battered wife topics emerge.
This was the first time the reunion was not filmed at Sur, which according to Lisa is because the cast keeps growing. I don’t see much difference between this year’s cast and last year’s besides Brittany… so what is Lisa trying to say by “growing”….
Anyway… our faves are all spread out on this crazily lit sound stage… just weird colors all around. But hey at least they are all in 1 row instead of some people having to sit in the back like previous season’s reunions
Let’s dive in to the gloriousness that is Vanderpump Rules with a recap of the reunion part 1!
Sandoval finally cut that damn braided hair and removed his Zoolander extensions.
Ariana looks gorg per ushe…. She is pulling off that weird genie looking hair style that LaLa could not get right last season and that Lisa Vanderpump has been trying to do for quite some time now.
Scheana is doing great as she has all season. Recent developments include tits way out and shorter hair. I love it all… get it girl!
Jax unfortunately looks the same, albeit a little less movement in his forehead if you know what I mean. I recently went back and watched season 1 and damn Jax, damn… what a difference. Talk about glory days.
DJ James Kennedy is looking just as creepy and skeletal as ever. I love that Andy points out his cleft chin and then tries to compare it to Jax’s chin…. Is Andy on acid? I see not even the slightest indentation on Jax’s chin.
Schwartz is pulling off a very dapper look, with a fitted vest. What an upgrade from his pool party mumu.
Katie, what the fucking fuck is she wearing? I thought Lisa’s getup at their wedding was terrible, but this looks like she recycled the fabric from that dress and just kind of cut it up and threw it on. Seriously wtf were you going for here Katie? Pirate wench? Gypsy whore? God it’s almost too bad to even comment on.
Stassi… I normally can get on board with Stassi’s style (not to be confused with Style by Stasis). But this dress/garment thing was doing nothing for me and doing her no favors. We have all seen how hot Stasis can be… evident by a skin tight see-through cat suit a la Britney spears in toxic. I say stick to your signature color, sky blue. Also, was it just me or was her face several shades darker than the rest of her body? I could definitely see a make-up line all around her face…. That is legit a 7th grade mistake make-up artists!
Brittany was cute enough but just a little too much for me. If your tits are on display on display on display a la Melissa Gorga… then cover that bottom half up. I was waiting for an Erika Jayne flash moment… maybe in part 2.
Then at the very, very end was Kristen – so forgettable that even Andy Cohen forgot to say hi to her. What a highlight of the reunion! She looks like she is wearing some sort of silk robe or kimono type thing. Although whatever, her bod is on point… she would look good even if she was wearing Katie’s pirate wench garb. What bothered me about Kristen was seeing only one side of her nose twitch when she was clearing trying to twitch the whole thing.
Lay off the fillers kids!
My initial thoughts were that they didn’t give enough time to this issue and Andy kind of glossed over the whole thing. Which, I get because we are not going to get a final answer from these people. But hello?! I need a definitive answer! This is worse than the Jon Benet mystery! This is way more suspenseful than the Making a Murder case! I think this is particularly driving me nuts because most lies and secrets in the Vanderpump Rules world usually surface near the end of the season.
Which got me thinking… who usually finally breaks down and admits that he was lying about something/anything?…. Jax fucking Taylor. The fact that he is sticking to his guns is extemely suspicious to me. I also don’t understand why Jax would make up such a story that has no benefit to him…. Besides the fact that he’s Jax Taylor and will take attention anywhere he can get it. But I digress.
In my head it happened… Kristen would def def def do something like this and has done things such as this in the past.
Bringing it early on, white Kanye West: “Kristen likes getting with other people while her boyfriend’s in the other room.” “Third times a charm.”
Britany: “I don’t know how it went down.” – ouch brit really?!
Jax: “I know how it went down.”
Set yourself up for that one girl
This is where shit first gets emo and rightfully so. This very well may be the only actual relevant thing that has ever happened on Vanderpump Rules and the only thing that we all can relate to on a human level.
But even somehow this deep and important moment was ruined by the bitchiness of the cast. It became very side vs side, and fast. Who was sadder than who? Who celebrated the right way vs who? Who slung shots vs who was at home crying? Who was braver than who?
Initially, my thought was who fucking cares?! Let people mourn how they want to mourn and don’t be so competitive about it. Everyone deals with shit differently. And this was some dark, terrible shit for all of America.
But then Katie…. Blobby, “I start shit and run away” Katie had to send a super judgey text from the comfort of her overly plush couch. Sorry Bubba, that all of us don’t mourn and act the same way that you do. Sorry that Ariana and Tom had some balls to actually show up to their job and give the gays their damn shots! If there were any a day that the gays needed some damn shots it was this day! She doesn’t comment on anyone who is actually a part of the LBGTQ community and judge their activities of the day. So if she understands that some members of the community want to party with shots and escape from the terror that they are experiencing, then surely she should understand that someone needs to be pouring that shot into their gorgeous mouths. End
I also do want to touch on the scene of Jax and Sandoval telling Lisa that they love her and admire her. Sandoval is a true American treasure and I feel that he is being so genuine in this scene. He really looks up to Lisa and I also am so glad that she decided to get on that pink float and wave her feather boa for all to see in solidarity. It might not seem like much, but to that mid-west house wife who doesn’t understand or believe in the gay culture, it might really open her mind… or at least make her think outside the Trump driven way of thinking, which is enough for me.
Ok rant fucking over…
La La Land
Finally! Finally, Miss LaLa Kent, with her pearl choker, off the shoulder jumper, and overly glossed lips. Right off the bat calling Andy “Papi”… ghetto af per ushe.
LaLa has a nipple tattoo… ok wtf? Random
The girls go back and forth over who is meaner to who. LaLa body shamed while Katie slut shamed. LaLa is standing by her guns that Katie and Schwartz’s marriage will end in divorce. To which Tom replies, “Well statistically speaking….” Ok Tom, great vote of confidence. The 3 “bitches of Weho” will not take accountability for any of their actions or mean words to LaLa. I just don’t get how after seeing themselves act like complete monsters on tv, they don’t acknowledge their hideousness and own up to their shit.
Ok Mag Party
The next scene flashes to Jax’s signature move of whipping of his jacket, signaling “fight mode.” I don’t know, but a jacket just doesn’t have the same effect to me as a chunky sweater.
Scheana starts talking about not being able to have a nose job because she snapchats her face every day. To which Sandoval replies, “We all know”. Shady af and hilarious af.
James re-apologizes to Scheana, Katie, and Tom. Apology tour all around. We then get into a convo about fat shaming vs skinny shaming. Stassi joking called the Scheana and Kristen anorexic which struck a chord in Scheana… apparently she had a problem with that in the past. Awkie.
Fav line: Katie repeating all of shit talking that LaLa has spread about her such as “No sex Teletubby.” I died.
Honorable mention: Stassi in response to Scheana complaining about her fast metabolism “Go eat some taco bell. Works for me.”
Andy Speaks Spanish
This was my fav part of part 1. So the kitchen staff thinks that Katie is the hottest girl… weird? Even Andy is confused by this, responding with “Interesting”. I’m pretty impressed with Andy’s Spanish… it might be slow but it’s working ok enough. The staff likes LaLa but they really love Brittany. They think that the whole Kristen/Brittany thing is true… and same. They also think that Brittany is too good for Jax. They declare all of the woman that he has been with, and that he come and eats food from the kitchen. They also want to cut off his hands… approve. But they really seem to love Brit… again approve.
Gigi Wants to be on TV
James is of course deny deny deny. Gigi said she would “Fight or fuck whoever” to get on the show… and honestly… sames girl, sames lol. This really pissed of Stasis… who is this bitch? Like girl don’t you watch your own show?
Then there’s Ellie… who also allegedly had sex with James. She timestamped her photo with him in bed, which according to James can be photo-shopped.
Memorable quote: James “no it ain’t, no it ain’t”
Honorable mention: James “girls say that about celebrities…. I’m not talking about myself”
This is where shit gets good
It all happens really fast, but it is all so great. James pretty much admits that he got with Kristen to be on the show. It was either move in with Sandoval or start fucking Sandoval’s ex-girlfriend. Here’s where Stasis compared him to GiGi …. He’s just as bad.
To which James retorts by crawling down on his knees as Stasis saying “please bring me back… I’m sorry I went to New York… please take me back.”
This moment was everything. What he’s saying is so fucking true and everyone is just laughing so hard! Jax is thoroughly amused by James and maybe we see a new b.f.f. status in their future.
She’s Your Boss
They flash back to Scheana apologizing to Lala in the back alley. In this scene Katie doesn’t seem to have any problem with Scheana apologizing and says nothing to even suggest that she’s mildly upset. Then after giving Stassi an overly exaggerated version of how Scheana was kissing LaLa’s ass they whip out their most commonly used weapon… drunk rage texts.
We get to see another glorious clip of Stassi’s full blown melt down at the pool party. She is obviously no match for Ariana, who is way smarter and more mature. Stassi even comes out and says she was pissed at Scheana for not having the same opinion as the rest of them. I really don’t get why Scheana wants in with these girls so badly. Not only is she not allowed to have an opinion, or change her mind once she does have one… but if she does she will get verbally attacked at all hours of the night. And they never back down or apologize.
Although, we do finally get to see Katie’s long overdue apology to LaLa. She had all season long but waited until after receiving huge backlash from all of America hating on her. This moment got very emo – LaLa showed some vulnerability like the “wounded little bird” that she is and Katie displayed some compassion which I didn’t think she had in her. Happy Ending for Part 1… for now.
The complete hypocrisy of this group all season long has not been lost on me. I am really hoping that some of these bitches get called out, specifically when it comes to the whole LaLa – married man situation. Um hello Scheana… isn’t that why you’re even here in the first place? Kristen… really you… of all people are going to slut shame? I want these girls to admit the real reason they hate LaLa… they don’t like new people coming onto the show that they think they built and getting all of the perks without putting in all of the work. Which I get… but let’s get real. Ya’ll are getting pretty boring in your old age. Happy Kristen = lame Kristen. Stasis on the prowl is basically like watching millionaire matchmaker and we all know what happened to that show. Katie was only relevant this season because her upcoming nuptials and now that that’s over I’m back to not giving a fuck about her. Even Jax has been tame af this year and some lame maybe lesbian story line was not enough to keep him interesting. They need some new blood and fast… who knows maybe a TomTom spinoff with a new young cast of waiters/waitresses with small appearances from our old friends will be just what we need!
Also Nikolai! This will be the highlight of Part 2. Speaking of spinoffs, someone get that kid a contract.
What do you think of Part 1? Were you as entertained as I was? What are you looking forward to in Part 2?
Let me know in the comments below!