For a more in-depth breakdown of the taglines click here. New York is one of my favorite Housewive’s franchises. It has brought us some epic moments over the years. Scary Island. Alex’s Herman Muenster shoes. The leg toss. And most recently, Bethenny giving terrible news to a frenemy, yet still managing to shamelessly plug and chug her Skinny Girl products.
This season, it looks like we will be seeing a lot of the backlash from the Tom cheating scandal. The long trailer shows pretty much all of the girls trying to get through to LuAnn. But whatever gossip or rumors that they uncover and run to tell LuAnn isn’t going to matter. She’s not gonna get it. She is just either so dumb and believes everything this guy says or she knows it all and doesn’t give a fuck because she’s in too deep and just wants to get married at this point. Either way, the girls are wasting their breathe and I think they need to let it go… what’s the point?
There are also a lot of scenes involving election talk…. Oh goodie. Just when we think we’re in the clear of all that bullshit and I’ve finally started sleeping regularly again, Bravo has to go and dredge it all back up again. I for one could give 2 shits about this storyline. There is nothing I want less than to relive this blip in American history. I can only hope that the election talk is kept and a minimum and is over as quickly as possible.
I’m ready to see this whole Dorinda/Sonja fight play out and hopefully escalate. Dorinda had some pretty good one liners in the trailer. My prediction is that Dorinda comes out on top with this one. “How am I doing? Not well bitch.” Honestly that should’ve been her tagline for the season! And with that let’s get in the Real Housewives of New York Ep 1 recap.
Dorinda – I tell it like it is, but I always make it nice.
Cute little play off of last year’s Berkshire’s drama – way to rub it in Sonja’s face that she wasn’t there to hear it in person
Ramona – I’m an acquired taste. You don’t like me, acquire some taste.
I don’t think “taste” is the problem when it comes to people not liking you Ramona.
Sonja – There’s nothing grey about my gardens.
Get it Sonja! This is so clever and Sonja’s cute little way of shutting up the haters.
Carole – In the politics of friendship, I win the popular vote.
Oh God, political crap again. It also kind of doesn’t even make sense…. Do you win the popular vote when it comes to friends? You alienated everyone last year and pretty much only have 1 vote – Bethenny.
LuAnn – The only title I’d trade Countess for, is wife.
We get it, you’re getting married. It’s not exactly an amazing accomplishment LuAnn. Do something substantial please.
Tinsley – A good set of lashed can fix anything, even a mug shot.
If this is our preview of Tinsley’s sense of humor, I’m not impressed. We are not in on the joke Tinsley.
Bethenny – If you’re gonna take a shot at this B, you better not miss.
Because I’ll rip your fucking eyes out like a badger and then feed to my assistants while I sip on a Skinny Girl margarita. We get it Bethenny, you’re one tough biotch.
3.) Miserable Mario
Aaaahhh! The very first shot we see of Ramona is her with some sort of face cream mask all over her face. I was not prepared for that and literally made a yelping noise when I saw it… followed by laughter of course. Then to make matters worse, she answers the door with face cream still slathered on and almost makes her contractor shit his pants.
She keeps telling him how weird it is to be calling him Mario. He’s looking at her like, well that’s my name bitch. “My ex-husband’s name is Mario. Did you know that?” How the fuck would this guy know that Ramona? Does he look like someone who is up-to-date on your relationship status and binge watches episodes of ROHNY? He is just utterly creeped out and ready to get the fuck out of there.
And as if things couldn’t get any more awkward Ramona starts pestering Mario to set her up with some good men and starts ticking off her checklist. This poor man… I mean he is her contractor. Her contractor! Reel it in Ramona.
I honestly didn’t think it could get any worse… but Ramona will always find a way to make people feel as uncomfortable as possible, viewer’s included. As Mario is finally making his escape and is so so close to the exit, Ramona punches him in the arm… weird. Then she forces a hug on him. THEN she leans in, almost like she’s going to kiss him but instead touches her forehead to his forehead. WTF is this move??? Do people do this with people? Is this a thing? It was so ick! She is way overly touchy. Run Mario run.
Ramona’s face in her interviews is pulled so damn tight that she can barely open her eyes. She looks like Renee Zellweger when she had all of that terrible work done. How are you even moving your face Ramona! How are you opening your mouth to drink your pinot grigio?!!
Sonja is prancing around her kitchen and putting something in her dishwasher that looks like vibrator. Talk about shady editing right off the bat. The first scene of the season we Ramona looking completely ridiculous and the first scene of Sonja is equally, if not more cray cray.
4.) It has a parking spot!
Bethenny is at her office, surrounded by her newest batch of assistants. And Fredrick from Million Dollar Listing walks is, wearing velvet…oh wait, no, no, it’s corduroy. Like that’s any better. Bethenny is finally finally officially divorced and got her old apartment back. Thank goodness… this shit has been dragged out for waaay too long… I’m exhausted just hearing about it. I hope that dickhead jerk wad can never get a date or a job again.
So obvs Bethenny hires Fredrick to sell the old apartment. He wants to list at $6.75 – that’s million people. But Bethenny insists that it is worth $6.995 – million! She does eventually get a full ask, all cash offer, which she rubs in her assistant’s and our faces. Alright, we get it, you’re a rich bitch.
5.) Dorinda Tours NYC – Part 1
Dorinda and LuAnn meet in the park to basically just have a bitch fest back and forth about Ramona and Sonja. No one from the show is invited to LuAnn’s wedding but Dorinda. I mean I wouldn’t want girls at my wedding who had slept with my fiancé either. They discuss their mutual disdain of Sonja, which I guess is due to her shit talking them both in the press. Sonja’s saying that she’ll be here for LuAnn when everything falls apart with Tom and that Dorinda is a horrible person for setting them up. I mean, she’s not wrong. But at this point Sonja has got to let it go… we’re reaching borderline obsessive mean girl status.
Ramona is also against Tom-Ann getting hitched. She is calling Tom’s ex-girlfriend in the middle of the night trying to dig up dirt. This would’ve been pretty great, if it had actually worked. Gotta be sneakier than that Ramona. But again, no matter what she could possible find to tell LuAnn, it’s not going to matter. LuAnn is doing this thing come hell or high water.
Fav line: Dorinda about Sonja: “Stick to what you know best sex” Ouch
6.) Sex a la Sonja
Then we opportunely flash to Sonja talking about sex. She’s starring in a play titled “Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man” I can’t with this scene – it’s just too f-ing weird. Sonja still believes that she has “an international following.” She is delusional in the best kind of way. The way that she is reciting her lines is super creepy. She’s making absolutely crazy over-the-top faces and is using some strange voice. The directors are prob just happy that she’s getting the words out because it’s the last show and she still doesn’t have her lines memorized. Ugh
Earlier we saw Sonja putting something in her dishwasher that looked like vibrator. Talk about shady editing right off the bat. The first scene of the season we see Ramona looking completely ridiculous and the first scene of Sonja is equally, if not more cray cray.
7.) Dorinda Tours NYC – Part 2
Dorinda is now going over to Carole’s for some unbeknownst reason. Even Carole has no idea. Adam is sounding super Valley girl but also very drone at the same time. He wants to know when Dorinda is coming over so he can get the fuck out of there. Carole’s couch is all scratched up! Wtf happened to her couch and why hasn’t she fixed it? It must’ve been those adorable kittens.
Carole’s voice in her interview! Omg it sounds terrible. She’s either horribly sick or was out way too late partying and smoking Camel Reds.
She explains to Dorinda that Adam moved in but is so weird an anti-committal about it. What the fuck is the difference between living together and shacking up? And why do you care so much to define it? It is the same damn thing.
Carole also looks like her cheekbones are even higher than usual, especially in her interviews. Maybe it’s all the highlighter that’s making it like an optical illusion. When’s she’s sitting with Dorinda on her shredded couch the shine on her cheekbones is almost blinding.
Dorinda will not be attending LuAnn’s bachelorette party in Miami and has no interest in seeing male strippers… I mean who does? But then she really crosses the line and made me throw up in my mouth! She said she would rather see John (greasy, sweaty, hairy, tubby John) do a dance for her. So fing gross. Bleh, BLEH!
8.) Dress for the Yacht
Bethenny goes to Sonja’s to gather donations for Dress for Success. Sonja yells at her newest intern to not buzz her in because last time she just buzzed someone in Sonja was sitting on the toilet. Sonja really has no shame and it makes for great tv. Bethenny is going in on Sonja’s clothes, saying things like “Hooker stilettos “and “Stuck in the 90s”.
Meanwhile Bethenny is wearing a shirt that looks like the Tommy Hilfiger logo. Or “Tommy fricking Hilfiger” as Lisa Rinna would say. Talk about 90s. I don’t know where one would even buy Tommy stuff anymore besides an outlet mall.
Sonja and Bethenny both say that they can’t make it to LuAnn’s wedding for whatever reason. Bethenny would only go if it were a paid appearance or if Skinny Girl could sponsor the bar. Does Bethenny know that she’s already crazy, stupid rich? And didn’t LuAnn just say that none of these bitches were invited? They are saying that they were invited but just can’t make it…. Riiiiight.
9.) Tommy’s Cookies
Speaking of LuAnn and Tom, we cut to LuAnn on a gorgeous rooftop terrace overlooking the city. Tom has a pretty sweet penthouse. So sweet that he needs a cookie jar, aptly titled “Tommy’s Cookies.” I’m not sure what to make of this but I’m pretty sure it makes him a sociopath. Accidently drop that shit of the balcony LuAnn!
Last season everyone was worried that Tom was using LuAnn for her money but I think he’s doing just fine from the looks of this penthouse (cookie jar excluded). You would think that Sonja would know that already though, having spent so many nights sleeping over. But maybe this scenario is the other way around. I mean LuAnn was practically homeless last year – why else would you choose freely to stay at Sonja’s?
10.) Dorinda Tours NYC – Part 3
Man, Dorinda is really making the rounds. She is running all around New York City to meet with all of these girls. Next on the agenda is Ramona’s apartment for a lunch date, but Ramona is already out on another lunch date – double booked. Ramona’s assistant greets Dorinda and wtf is this girl wearing? Her shirt is like halfway tucked it, but also hanging out all over the place – it looks like shit. Just when you think it can’t get worse, Ramona walks in wearing enough fur to cover even John’s body. She looks like she should be in a P. Diddy video or something…. Someone call Heather “Holla” Thomson.
Speaking of the hairy beast (“Beast?! How dare you.”), Ramona gives the most backhanded compliment and says that she “actually” enjoyed John the other night. Leave the “actually” part out of it Ramona and it would’ve sounded a lot nicer.
Ramona is pissed that she wasn’t invited to LuAnn’s bridal shower. What? Why? No one wants to go to those stupid things. They are so freaking boring and lame. I’m getting married in the fall and I will most definitely not being having a shower… because I love my friends and have no intention of torturing them. And why would she think that LuAnn would want her there? But then we cut to pics and see that even Sonja was invited! Ouch.
Ramona heard that LuAnn was hitting on some guy in Palm Beach and she heard this from the guy’s mother. How young was this guy? I mean, Tom-Ann must have some sort of arrangement then. If she’s hitting on people in public and he’s making out with people in public, and they’re both ok with it then whatever. C’Est la vie.
11.) Trump Chew Toy
As we’ve already gathered, Carole is in super deep with the election. And damn, she is just going on and on and on. Even when Bethenny walks away and pretty much tells her to shut it, she just keeps clamoring on. She is literally talking to herself and doesn’t seem to notice. She thinks that Hillary will win in a landslide – it’s all so cringy. This is gonna be painful for her. Bethenny tries to get away from Carole by hiding in the cupboard, I mean she prob could fit in there. We all had this exhausting friend during the election that could not turn that switch off.
12.) Ramona – Undercover Housewife
LuAnn and Ramona get together to hash stuff out. Ramona nearly jumps a mile when LuAnn comes walking up…. Now you know how we felt Ramona, having to see you with that terrible face mask. Ramona is still freaking upset about not being invited to the shower that was at her good friend’s home. LuAnn says it’s because she went all Nancy Drew on her ass. Mind your business bitch. Ramona paints on this expression of shock and disbelief. Of course, sweet, innocent Ramona is not out looking for dirt, but people just come up to her and tell her info. But who even gives a fuck LuAnn because you don’t want to know, or do you want to know? She wants LuAnn to want to know so fucking bad. So her maybe tea ends up being something that LuAnn already knew… he went out to Cali to visit his ex. The ex said in the press that they were together and kissing. LuAnn thinks the ex is lying and they are only friends… but why would she be making up lies to the press about her “friend”?
Fav line: Ramona to LuAnn “I don’t know if you’re strong.” Sames.
The sentiment in the group (or at least with Ramona and Sonja) is that they want LuAnn to be happy but they don’t trust this scumbag and think that he’s going to screw her over. I can’t say I disagree, but can we please stop talking about it. I don’t think this needs to be the major storyline of the season… again.
It looks like we’re going to get introduced to Tinsley on the next episode. Hopefully she’s not as lame as her tagline and can bring some good entertainment value. It’ll be interesting to see how Bethenny reacts to Tinsley. She doesn’t seem to have any patience for women who don’t work or that are kinda ditzy (as evident by past wives Kristen and Jules). So what do you do? Like, I don’t get it. What’s your brand? You gotta have a brand. I don’t get it. So what’s going on? Here, have some Skinny Girl product.
More political talk… snooze.
I want to see a Dorinda/Sonja meet up so we can get our cat fight on. They seem to kind of be avoiding each other.
What did you guys think of our first episode of RHONY?! Was it a snore fest or are you super excited for things to come? Let myself and others know in the comments below!